I have smthing to tell you

2012-02-05T22:47:00.001+08:00

Once u finish a task, you'll feel lesser burden.
But my heart sank. Chingay's over. Less of JinWen (choreographer). Dam sad.
When he walk towards us and encourage us before the performance, he stopped by me. I was over the moon! I'm really impressed with him and melvin and other assistant choreographer for their never ending passion towards dance. I never felt that kind of enthusiasm before. It's like a burning fire and it is a huge that it spreads to others. Really salute them, seriously. Admire their attitude and seriousness...the way they portray their passion towards dance; every movement is a burst of energy. There's a fire burning in you. Which makes you a star!

Looking back 5 years ago...

2012-01-28T22:20:00.000+08:00

Just realised how stressful life was back then. I was a very lost teenager. Can't imagine how I survive that 10 years without real friends. I wouldn't want to look back and tell myself how it can be better, I choose to live better and waste no time thinking about the past. Not much child hood memories. Throughout those 10 years of schooling, my desires are fulfilled by dreams. Some were dreamt while asleep, most... were day dreams.

Why not catch those dreams and make them happen? No one told me that I can do that. I realised it myself and have been fighting with my thoughts for...like 10 years? I do wonder if I once suffer from depression before.

I fought with my Mum, we screamed at each other and she caned me. I banged and locked the door. A lone, in the bed room I share with my sis till now. That was like, sec 2? I cried for hours, non-stop. So breathless, I was exhausted and felt waves of pain struck my heart as if being stabbed by a knife. Felt so numb...like a non-living thing the next day. I think that was when the relationship got worse. Lucky I was busy with school, CCAs and HCL. If I wasn't occupied with so many things, would I still be here now?

Everything changes. I'm not sure how and when. Things got better when I enter poly. Maybe it's the warmth I receive from friends, especially Chee May; and most importantly, I want to change my life. Finally I get to choose, and I get what I really like and wanted - studying science, biology. Even if I didn't manage to become a doctor in the future, I wouldn't regret not studying what I want.

Currently, I love my parents. They are too busy to care about my life, but it doesn't matter anymore. The thing that matters is I DO CARE about them.
The day my sis get posted to temasek JC...I saw the smile on mum's face-Bliss. I asked myself "when will I be able to let mum smile this way too?" There's no way I can score as well as my sis do. So, I did what I can do as a daughter...to spent time with her, tell her about my school life, even though some times she finds me annoying. Hehe...I happy, she happy, I happy...

In school, I hope to make more friends. Joined many events and know a lot of people. I learnt many things and realised many interesting things about life. I may not be right in concluding certain things, but I'm not perfect, I'm just human. =P I'm just afraid I may regret for not doing certain things. At least when I grow older, there's something I can look back to and smile, telling myself, I've grown older and wiser then before. What's life without a little adventure, without ups and downs. I would rather risk then being sheltered. Prefer roller coaster ride to my bed. =) Never know what's inside until you open the box.

When I'm busy, I learn how precious time is.
When I'm loney, I realise how important initiative is.
When I'm tired, I appreciate the importance of sleep.
When I'm sick, I realise the necessity of staying healthy.
When I'm hungry, I realise how important lunch is. =P

When I was young, I wish for a lot of things.
Now, I do things and make it happen.
"No pain, no gain."
Wish, feels like wishful thinking.
Now, when I wish for things, I will think twice. I'm afraid if I get what I wanted, my desires will never end.
I just want to smile until I the day I die.
End of story.
=)

electromagnetic spectrum ABCHM Links

2012-01-27T22:33:00.000+08:00

http://www2.chemistry.msu.edu/faculty/reusch/VirtTxtJml/Spectrpy/InfraRed/infrared.htm

http://www.brightstorm.com/science/chemistry/the-atom/atomic-emission-spectra/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDuPH_7n4l0

http://imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/science/know_l1/emspectrum.html

http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/lightandcolor/fluoroexcitation.html

http://www.oup.com/uk/orc/bin/9780199277896/01student/learning_outcomes/ch11.pdf

http://elchem.kaist.ac.kr/vt/chem-ed/spec/spectros.htm

Contact lens grey...not obvious though

Fluorochrome research links

2012-01-12T10:09:00.000+08:00

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15018857
http://www.innovateus.net/science/what-fluorophore-used
http://www.piercenet.com/browse.cfm?fldID=5F0F833C-0BB7-4A29-8E7E-4DAF8A40F71A
http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/fluorescence/photobleaching/
http://www.art.ca/en/preclinical/optical-molecular-imaging/fluorescence.php

你醉了吗？

2012-01-08T13:29:00.002+08:00

Bought my first bottle on alcohol.
Bro drank some. Funny video. =D

What a day...

2012-01-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

Not bad not bad. I collected all the badges. FINALLY! Thanks Jim for helping me to get the most difficult one-IIT badge. The girl at the counter dam fierce sia...
Running here and there. Went to other schools to see thier booths.
Engine one similar to AS. But they got some course inside the air con room. It's dam cool, the place, very high class feel.
Design school very impressive! Totally it's design school, no doubt. It's very decorative and everything seemed to link tgt. Very nice sch. So tempting to join. =D
Business most display on 3rd floor. Got this grand feel. Very formal with the big panels and students wearing formal shirt instead of open house shirt. I get to try cookies frm this course similar to BCS.
HSS. I can say very impress with the year one girl explaining the physiology course. She explain from subj from year one to elective in year three. wow!
Went to plaza. Saw Wei Xiong, AC main com, also my ex classmate.
I run up and down IIT and also in and out of engine sch. Haha!
Went to TCC. Found some AELTC friends-Arun, Sebas, , Rou Hui,Yu Ke, Dominic(both showcasing thier proj) there. Jim and I join in and we took photos tgt. Really glad to see them again! =D

Rushing to AMIC lec after that. From one end of the sch to AS LT. Gd exercise! Not bad. Hehe!
Tmr last day of open house. Saded...Looking forward to OLTC! Yeah!!!! =)

See everyone tmr then! =DDD

36 meal project

2012-01-02T18:56:00.004+08:00

18 months
2 dishes per month
= 36 dishes

Meals include:

Appetiser: Spring roll, mash potato, finger food, fruit salad, curry puff (5)
Breakfast: Pan cake, hamburger, sushi, fish porridge, fried carrot cake (5)
Lunch: Chicken chop, pizza, pasta, chicken rice, curry(5)
dinner: Balsamic Mushrooms, Rojak, grill cheese mushroom(3)
Dessert: Smoothie, Ice cream, veg salad, tiramisu, nyonya kuih(5)
Soup: Won ton, cream mushroom soup, pumpkin(3)
Read the different ways to cook an egg and try one method.(1)

http://allrecipes.com/HowTo/Cream-of-Mushroom-Soup/Detail.aspx
http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/cream_of_mushroom_soup/
http://www.grouprecipes.com/48123/fried-doughnuts.html
http://www.noobcook.com/tiramisu-in-a-glass-eggless-recipe/

27 total
Need 9 more.

Continuation of new year resolution

2011-12-31T19:01:00.002+08:00

Making This Year Your Best Year Yet

What would you like to be your biggest triumph this year?
Have more party, more close friends

What advice would you like to give yourself this year?
Study more, sleep more, finish work early

What is the major effort you are planning to improve your financial results this year?
Save pocket money

What would you be most happy about completing this year?
Rising my GPA to 3

What major indulgence are you willing to experience this year?
SIP...working experiance

What would you most like to change about yourself this year?
Be more talkative

What are you looking forward to learning this year?
Maybe learn to cook some more dish?

What do you think your biggest risk will be this year?
Want to try high elements. =)

What about your work, are you most committed to changing and improving this year?
Study more everyday

What is one as yet undeveloped talent you are willing to explore this year?
play guitar or other instruments. Learn a new language maybe

What brings you the most joy and how are you going to do or have more of that this year?
Many people get together and had fun. Join more events and make more friends.

Who or what, other than yourself, are you most committed to loving and serving this year?
My family. My clubs. =)

What one word would you like to have as your theme this year?
Caring.

New Years Resolutions: 27 Questions to Ask Yourself

2011-12-27T11:57:00.001+08:00

From: New Years Resolutions: 27 Questions to Ask Yourself

Completing and Remembering Last Year

What was your biggest triumph last year?
I attended many events and camps :

Chingay2011,
Audition for freshmen orientation,
ALTC2011,
Week 0 orientation,
Mentoring at Macpherson Primary,
Work at Popular for 3 days and earn my first outside pocket money,
AS sub-com audition,
first aid crash course,
Attended my first EP day at Pipit road (Macpherson RC),
Subcom camp,
BeiJing trip CDS,
on going training for next year's Chingay
Mental Health Ambassador workshop, organised and planed a photography competition,
lunch of CD lionhearters club,
Pulau Ubin 4D 3N camp
...and one more Aguide camp tmr. =D

What was the smartest decision you made last year?
Hmm..Smartest? I wrote motivational quotes for myself daily and encouraged myself every night before going to bed. Everyday is unique because if it passed, it's gone forever. Why not make it memorable instead of letting it pass just like the other normal days?

What one word best sums up and describes your experience?
Fruitful
What was the greatest lesson you learned last year?
To accept who I am and be positive, attitude wise. =)
What was the most loving service you performed last year?
I encouraged and tried to influence my sis to study smart

What is your biggest piece of unfinished business last year?
Haven't finish Semester 2.2. Next year finish then I will enjoy my holiday!

What are you most happy about completing last year?
Most of the things I'm done it's mostly first time in my life. First time becoming a leader, first time using a fire extinguisher, first time going BeiJing, first time going Pulau Ubin, first time camping in the wild, first time learning hip hop, first time started a club, etc,etc.... so proud of myself =D

Who were the three people that had the greatest impact on your life last year?

That guy
Li Xin (my sis)
Mostly it's not just a person, but the event changed me a lot. Especially AELTC. =)

What was the biggest risk you took last year?
It's not really risk, but I did step out of my comfort zone.

What was the biggest surprise last year?
The Ubin camp (AELTC) I've learnt numerous life lessons and I understand myself a lot more. I didn't know I'm a potential leader =O. Haha...that's what others thought of me, Li Ying

What important relationship improved the most last year?
My Mum definitely. I learnt to appreciate her hard work and her contribution to the family. I love my parents even more.

What compliment would you liked to have received last year?
People I knew last time saw improvement in me and see a very different Li Ying

What compliment would you liked to have given last year?
Well done and good job everyone! Without you, we've won't have done it. =)

What else do you need to do or say to be complete with last year?
I felt I've become a much better person after going through so much. Life, there is so much to learn. I'm more confident and optimistic and I looked forward to next year's challenges. I believe I can do it! =D

Making This Year Your Best Year Yet (Answering them in my next post=))

What would you like to be your biggest triumph this year?

What advice would you like to give yourself this year?

What is the major effort you are planning to improve your financial results this year?

What would you be most happy about completing this year?

What major indulgence are you willing to experience this year?

What would you most like to change about yourself this year?

What are you looking forward to learning this year?

What do you think your biggest risk will be this year?

What about your work, are you most committed to changing and improving this year?

What is one as yet undeveloped talent you are willing to explore this year?

What brings you the most joy and how are you going to do or have more of that this year?

Who or what, other than yourself, are you most committed to loving and serving this year?

What one word would you like to have as your theme this year?

Going to school soon to get my NYAA booklet signed.Should I join ELF?
Hmm...I've got so many CCA and I wonder should I a not.
I believe I will learn a lot after joining ELF, especially leadership. Haiz...Shall stop here.
Going to school to meet my NYAA Ubin friends. =DD

Listening to 93.8FM

2011-12-13T20:15:00.000+08:00

While lying on the bed, listening to songs, I suddenly miss this DJ's voice and search for 1003FM in the phone. No, he's not taking the night shift this year. I switch to other channels. I stop at live 93.8FM and heard a is it called talk or speech?
Jim Rogers - How He Sees The World

I can't find the contents I heard yesterday in the above link. It's 28 min. What I heard is much more about what he thinks about education. Schools test on IQ, not creativity. He gave a lot of statistics. He said teachers who can't teach will affect the student. Even if we raise the qualification, nothing much is improved. If you can teach, you can. If can't teach, you can't. It's very interesting. Although I'm supposed to sleep, the way he speaks makes me awake and waiting to hear more. When it ended, I feel sad. The DJ only play excerpts from a talk "In Conversation with Jim Rogers on how he sees the world today." Only interesting parts were broadcast.

If I have such lecturer, won't it be great? Instead of feeling sleepy, he or she will make me feel awake and draws me to her lesson. "The best teacher has eyes behind his head" That's what he said. Surveillance, even when he isn't looking at the student. Powerful.

My eyes are closed throughout the listening of radio. I didn't feel sleepy.
If I close my eyes during lecture, surely sleep.
=) All students are like that right? We have to sit there for hours!

2 more tests to go. JY!

2011-12-13T09:22:00.001+08:00

BEETHOVENSYM NO. 5 IN C MIN, OP. 67

Song sharing Time (2)

2011-12-10T22:01:00.001+08:00

A Love songDanson TangTerm test next week.Term break very busy. Got two camps to atten.When will I have time for vaccination?Haizzz...shall sleep early today.U online? Busy study?JY everyone! =):YAWN:

Song time

2011-12-06T12:43:00.001+08:00

Every song listen to have its meaning. I listen to music not to lyrics first, but the melody. If the melody not nice (to my context lah), I won't even look into the lyrics. Well some people think that lyrics are more important then the melody. How about classical music played by orchestra? Don't they also express themselves with just purely music?

Different songs always makes me think and feel very differently. In this song, let me picture what is going through my mind. Press play.

Intro part-Piano, very light feeling."I just want to see u"kind of feeling. It's night time and the man is standing at a very quite and lonely place. Missing someone important. There's breeze, there's romantic light. There's wine glass on the white table.

Chrous-Although I don't know what he is singing, but I'm sure he wanted to see the person badly. Closes his eyes and feel her presence. His heart sings. He sang he'll love her forever(this part I understand the lyric). How wonderful if you're mine. He's hugging her in his mind, but it's only imagination and it's kind of a unbearable pain for this poor guy here.

The part where the words are sang joined together- feels like he kept thinking of her and his heart longed for her and yah lah... typical love song.

This is my interpretation of the melody. What is the lyrics, I don't know. You can check it out.

Running wild

2011-12-03T22:07:00.001+08:00

心里很乱。
Term test is just a week and a day away.
I still don't feel the urgency to study, I don't know why. Maybe the weather very nice, very relaxing.
Even I plan so many things, I followed the list of things to do, I still feel I haven't done much.
Haiz...
I want to play, but don't know how to.
No stress = no motivaton to study.
I feel like a leaf, flying where it brings me. Where's my goal? Where's my dream. Why haven't I give a good thought about it?
Maybe I should remind myself everyday.
Empty or filled?
Sometimes it's filled, sometimes empty.
I don't like it when suddenly my mind just wonders off while I'm in lecture.
Pull myself back all the time. It's not fun at all.

People with dreams, with commitments I admire. The burning passion, they spread. It's dam cool. I want to just like one of them, spreading the passion I have towards science. It's possible, I hope it'll happen.

Thoughts are scary. Dreams are scary too. Seemed real and gives me illusions. What's real, what's not? I always leave my mind blank, I don't want t be trap inside my illusions. Don't want to live in an unreal world. Blank, it's cool. Not thinking of anything, but work.

I don't want to grow any older, the world outside (finger point point) is waiting for me. It wants to eat me up. It's real, not an illusion. It's getting closer and closer to my next birthday, and I'm not prepared at all. I still can't accept the fact that I'm 18. OMG! Why? =(

Help...help me...oww....

Updates on me!!!

2011-11-27T08:10:00.001+08:00

This coming Thursday, the CD (Civil Defence) lionhearters' club will have a large scale launching event in school. Do catch us in action during lunch time a Temasek poly plaza, near one-stop service centre. We are doing recruitment too. To those who are interested in fire fighting, first aid, and ect, do come down to our booth on 1 December, which is on this coming Thursday. Please support me!!! I'll be carrying fire extinguisher and run around with it =). There will be a quiz time for you to win some prizes. Don't worry, it's not something cheap, it's something very useful, but of course not Iphone lah. Want to know more, come down that day! There will be a fire scenario that you won't want to miss!!! Yes, the fire engine, or truck, red rhino and other red vehicle will be driving into the plaza. What's more, you can take pictures with them! =)

There will be a blood donation drive booth near library. We will be helping them to promote their event and they will help us too. =)

Do support the CD lionhearters' club and also Applied science studies club!!!! I'm a member of both by the way. =D
Support me too! XD

Photography contest!!!

2011-11-27T07:52:00.001+08:00

Hi people!

See that poster?
What to win some cash?
Then wait no further!
Go on to facebook and check out how to take part!
You may get your photo featured in our calender!

As one of the organisers, I hope that many photos will be sent in. We spent a lot of effort in planing and just hope to see good photos.

Please click the link below and like our page for more info =):

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Resilience-Photography-Contest/225752124157520

Thank you! May the best one win! =D

Regards,
LiYing

Fried food crave

2011-11-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

Walking on the streets, praying for fried food. On this hot Tuesday afternoon, I've been like a lion, searching for pray at Bedok.

I ate a lot, but still unsatisfied. Along the way, I think of many things that I wanted to leave behind. Of course, it has been a tiring day, but I get to eat what I want. Fried chicken drumlet, etc. Drank milk tea. It's very empty, the mall.

Haven't been studying this week. Today slacking the whole day. Busy looking for food. Not that at home nothing to eat, it's all vegetarian. My parents and my sis are veg, I do crave for meat every now and then. Some times I feel like having stem fish, but I don't know where to buy. If I have lots of money, I don't mind buying the big stem fish sold at the food court near my house. I don't have that kind of money and my parents won't allow for sure.

Although they knew that I ate Mcdonals' quite often, they allowed me to have it. I'm also quite glad.
Why do we have to eat dinner separately? Haiz...

Watched material queen Taiwan drama until ep 6.
Addicted already. Tomorrow must really study. I must not watch it again this week until sat.

Ok, now it's very late, I shall go to bed soon.
Gd night, sweet dreams =)

Redrabbit

Gentleness - ”柔道“

2011-11-06T18:28:00.002+08:00

Judo means gentleness if I directly translate it in Chinese.

It is not gentle at all. It requires you to go with the force and not against it. It's like rowing the sampan with the current, not against it. It will be easier to fight this way, and hence, the name. That is what I understand form experience, not really the actual definition, just for your info.

Attack is the key. If you keep attacking, there's a higher chance of throwing the opponent. Keep blocking (doesn't sound right here) will make the opponent have a higher chance of throwing. For me, I always keep walking while grabbing my friend, trying to make use of walking to "control" her. Break her balance, turn in and throw. It is difficult to go with the force because it's not easy to feel it, because I'm not experienced enough.

During ground work, it's not easy to escape once the opponent hold you down. I have to keep doing neck bridging to loosen her grip and turn myself with my back facing her and try to get up. All the energy will be used up just to escape. The best is not to get hold down by opponent.There is no time to think once you're tied down. You have to escape, or you'll lose.

Just like being someone.

I'm a living thing.

I am a life.

OR alive too.

So, life came to me and put me on Earth.

Whether I came face to face with a beast or a field of flowers, I have a choice; or rather, many choices.
What if I face a beast, I can either chose to live or die. Even in the case of flowers, I can choose to admire it or get troubled thinking they'll be gone in the next season. In every situation, there will be a happy ending, a sad ending, and an unknown. They always say that "the future is in our hands". It's still about choices, right? Whenever you say "I have no choice, but to finish my homework", you have just make a choice to do it because you do not want to face the consequences after "not doing it".

Choices are made base on the situation and the consequences. What if I have to make a move in a split second? Am I still able to make a choice? When things happened so fast and unexpected, there you won't have a chance to decide. Example, being struck by lightning. Life isn't fair, isn't it? I believe in this case; faith, hope, love, determination, positive attitude and more comes in. Life isn't that unfair after all. Takes away something for a while, you get to face it, learn it's meaning, take away a valuable lesson, kick and punch away the weak and timid self and this bring me to realise how vulnerable and precious life is. What you believe in will affect you and definitely impact you to a large extend. You believe that you're unique and what you do can make a difference. Compare this to- "I'm not as good as him, I'm not strong or smart enough" It doesn't matter if you think negatively of yourself if there's someone there to direct you're thinking to a positive one. It does matter if you "die die also want to think this way" even though you've been through tons of counselling. Help yourself in life. "God helps them who help themselves."

Once you've made a choice, make a dream too.

Something who long for, something you want to achieve.

You've just make your life meaningful. Found something to work towards to.

Even if there's obstacles, help is always available. No fear. Ha ha ....

"veni vidi vici"~ Latin

"I came, I saw, I conquered"

-Julius Caeser

~BELIEVE~

Things to share...about metal health

2011-10-23T12:19:00.002+08:00

Psychological Well-Being (PWB)

Self-acceptance
Personal-growth
Purpose in Life
Environmental Mastery
Autonomy
Positive Relations with Others

(Everything is not mine xcept this ice cream =P)

The following videos will allow you to understand more about mental health.

For every 1 negative things you say, you need 5 positive things to undo the effect.

One of the video shown to us

Very interesting video which promotes youth to be happy, not loney

Interview regarding teens knowledge of metal health patients. Misconception of metal health illness.

The lone-nut won't be a lone-nut if there's a follower.

Tune-River Flows in you-Yiruma (FYI, I have this song as my blog music)

Sites for more info:

Hope you enjoy watching.
Do support us during our road show around Nov. =D
Bless you!

**Thanks to youtube, ted.com, hpb workshop.Most of the info is from the notes given in this work shop. If you're interested in reading the notes, email me. -memories_liying@yahoo.com

Flight to BJ

2011-10-23T11:23:00.001+08:00

I read my previous post dated Sep 6.
I didn't get thrombus because I kept running to the toilet to "snatch" tissue paper for my runny nose. I didn't get to sit still and sleep through out the almost six hours flight. I think at most I slept for two and a half hours adding up.

The flight to Shang Hai was only around three hours. Not too bad. I manage to sleep for one and a half hour because I'm very tired even though it was a morning flight.

The flight back to Singapore was fun because I watched movies throughout the whole flight. I kept laughing. LOL!

Mental Health Ambassador

2011-10-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

Well, this morning I went to this work shop at HBP. Apparently, I'm the first one to reach there, but not the first to report because I stone inside toilet since I'm still early. This work shop is not very active and engaging. However, there's some take away for me.

For example, positive thinking. Be optimistic and not overly. Be defensive pessimistic and not pessimist

P represents pessimistic
O represents optimistic
N represents normal
dP represents defensive pessimistic

dP is good because it makes me reflect on things so that I will push myself to do even better.

Next week sat is the last day of work shop. 2 Days workshop seemed too short for me as I feel that it's just two long days of learning more abt mental health. I need more exposure to understand better. To promote this metal health awareness, I believe that I must change in order to let others believe it's important and it works. It cannot be done in a few days, but I believe I can make this happen if I make it habit to constantly remind myself. "You're beautiful" I really like that campaign and hope to bring it to TP to spread this message of self esteem and raise the awareness of metal health.

"I believe I can fly,..." I personally don't believe because humans can't fly by ourselves. But we can take the plane. Through perseverance, through faith, endurance, encouragement, etc. we can accomplish things we thought we couldn't a first.

Questions from mum

2011-10-12T09:32:00.000+08:00

Well, the night before my mum ask me a question out of the blue, "Do you have a boyfriend?" And of course the conversation is in Chinese. I always thought that parents are worried of teens getting into relationships early because we may neglect our studies. But in this case, she's afraid that I won't be able to marry off. =O

She's weird. I think she's just like typical parents but want to dig something out from me right? No, mum. I not involved in any relationship. "没有人追你？" No, mum. I don't think it's the right time. Not until this one that is hanging on in my heart leaves. Of course I didn't tell her my story.

Shall go to school soon. I've got a project consultation today 10.30am
Bye!

功夫传奇红剧场 <梦与现实>

2011-09-26T10:41:00.002+08:00

莲花在寂静里绽放

阳光编制着彩虹

滴水融入了大海

瞬间化做了永恒

3 days before flight

2011-09-06T23:36:00.001+08:00

I'm not taking CDS next semester, but 3 days later!
It's like...dam fast. I don't think I will get to know my GPA on the release of results.
I'm afraid it'll be difficult to even excess to the internet.
Well, I going to Beijing soon, this sat very early morning flight, 0110. Wow. I suppose to sleep overnight. The things taught in FPATH sudddenly pop in my brain- DVT :. THROMBUS! Haha! I must contract leg muscle...LOL! Sinapore airline, not so bad lah hor.

Visiting Great Wall, forbidden city, art museum, learning taichi, chinese painting/paper cutting.
It's a 14 days trip and I'm worried. Maybe the food I may not like. Maybe I may not work well with my group members? Maybe my room mate is not friendly? Mmmm....
Bought some stuff for this trip today. I don't quite know what to buy also.

Tmr will be the last day as couch potato. =( 6 weeks of holiday. I think it'll be all filled up with lectures presentation. However, I'm definitely enjoy myself in Beijing as I going to experience life without my parents, without internet, life without fast food every street I go. Transport wise it's difficult to get to the city fast like in Singapore. I just want to shop there and buy things for myself and my sis. Maybe my bro.

Looking forward, with a heavy heart. It maybe a trip like a holiday, but we're graded for presentation. Worried that I may not score well.

Camera ready. I want to snap all the activities and beautiful scene into a photo. =D

Good luck to me and hope I'll enjoy my trip!
Hope to catch a rainbow, sunrise/set or to see cute animals, a field of flowers and more!

Enjoy your day too pals! Bye!

A day at ECP when there's no lesson and it's....FRIday!

2011-08-22T22:10:00.006+08:00

I saw 3 rosters running around, searching for food. =P
Nice view eh?

Bike I rent.

To remind and tell myself this.

This is what happen when it's taken slowly.

People do look different with makeup...SHIT!

Nice new blogskin

2011-08-13T18:38:00.003+08:00

This week I'm slacking through out.
I did study and memorise the instant notes, but the quiz comes out more than half of it not inside the notes. WHY?!?!?!? Disappointed...

Next week most lecture cancelled only FPATH lecture is still on.
AIMM tut also on.

一直都有这种感觉，喜欢上一个人之后的感觉。
老爱幻想。幻想着不同的画面，不同的情结。
感觉甜甜的。可以和自己喜欢的人牵手，走走，说说话，好像很棒.
为设么会有这么一个人? 幻想着未来和他会怎样, 想着如果没他又会怎样.
真希望可以和他一起. 很想知道, 你也喜欢我吗?

Just imagine a holding jar full of honey. Slip and fall, drop the jar, honey gone.

没灵感, 不写了.

Wed CP meet us...aimm report

2011-08-03T22:42:00.002+08:00

Such a cold weather...should I say the air-con is too strong?

Tmr LT 44 have movie screening.
Fri PCT practical test. Don't know how the format will be like.

Next Mo FPATH Quiz 3.2 to 3.5
Tues- National day!
Next Wed MCP. I must rmb to tell him help me and Gizella key in the SEAL pts.
Next thurs talk LT 24
Next Fri have NYAA consultation. At SAA.

2 wks time, EXAM! 26 Aug to 2 Sep

If got in Sub-com, camp (10 to 12Sep I heard)
12 to 24 Sep, Global Citizenship...flying to BeiJing! Yes!!! =D

Planned! This holiday is awesome! =)

Very nice song by A. chord

2011-07-31T17:00:00.003+08:00

Combination of opera and modern music, rap...etc.

Simple song...extremely touching lyrics.
It's a perfect combination and the first time hearing it in FM 93.3 I fall in love with it straight away.

The felling it gives, heart warming, lovely, story goes across 3 generation. Story about passion for music and love.

This song is really amazing! I never thought that opera sing infuse with rap, modern pop song will be so nice and matching. =)

Press play and enjoy...
柳树下(Under the Willow Tree)-A.Chord

feel down again

2011-07-19T17:46:00.002+08:00

I guess it's time for emo stuff again since my life is going haywire now.
I should start with interesting stuff first.

School-There are never ending test and quizzes. CCA is giving us more stress for the attendance.
DPA this saturday. Next week AIMM and MBCHM quiz. FPATH tut quiz. AIMM lab thing. I think got more tut quiz.

Home- As usual. Peaceful. No fights, little conversation. Feels like strangers walking pass in our own house.

Self- Going through girls stuff. The emo bug is overwhelming. Stupid hormones. I can't accept the fact that we girls have to do this kind of waste time and money things just to make sure human species will not extinct. What the hell? I'm in really bad mood now...should calm down a bit.

Ok. Just because we need to go through this thing every month, I will feel like shit for more than 12 times a year?!?! Life isn't fair, I know. I knew it! Stupid life. Why do emo bugs always infest for happy hear? Freaking stupid emo bugs. I want to kill you! Get away from me.

And you! Go away. Stupid heart! I only drank a cup of coffee, why did you protest? That emo bug is clinging tightly to me and yet you make it worse! Stupid coffee, stupid brain, stupid hormones. I don't want to feel any weaker. Yes, I agree that I was going to die.

School is adding on the stress level. My own love is killing me,which I chose to ignore it since there's nothing more that I can do. I hold my love in my hands, and I feel like stabbing it...until it vanish and disappear. Why will you want to hurt me, this love of mine? Why? You want tears? You want blood? You want my life? What you want? Why don't you go away and die somewhere? Don't pester me any more. I hate you! Haven't you learn your lesson or don't you get it? There's no reason for you to be here any more, love. Why don't you just go away? I don't want love, I want to live and I want my life. Just do it, leave me alone.

Why should I feel sorry? I made the choice. I have nothing to do with it.
Why should I feel the same? Why should I think for you. Why should I care.

I don't know...I really don't know.
What is love without touch, without feelings?
Answer me! Where are you?

Why should I feel bad about my heart?
Why do I blame myself?
Why should I blame others?
Haven't I treat myself good enough?
Why should I feel shameless?
Why should I care? Haven't I been badly treating myself?
Come on, it's just you! You! You!
How long more? Why do I have to be patient with myself.
Haven't I sought things out with myself already?
Why is it so difficult to not see, hear, feel anything; anything about love?
I am...18. And...I'm a stubborn girl. This is the saddest fact about me that I hate it. I hate stubbornness. I'm a girl...how I wish I can protect this fact and not make it seem so small and weak.
Don't girls like to feel protected?
Too bad that I'm just like girls...to feel this way too.
I believe I have the power to protect myself.
I still feel like what other girls feel.
I'm disappointed with myself. Haiz...

We can't chose our family.
We can make a difference.
My presence in your life is like...nothing.
Classmates are insignificant people whom I sat in class with.
Friends are people why showed some significance.
I don't know who's good, who's bad.
I only put myself first, I don't want to get hurt.
I always always treat people who are good to me badly at first just because I don't want to know them well and them to know me well.
Twice, I regret it. These two person, Chee May and Si Ying. They really mean a lot to me. They didn't give up on me but still talk to me and made my day. hanks a lot!
Secondary days, most people gave up because I just refuse to talk. I didn't, at all. Not even during CCA. I didn't talk, I didn't. I never talk to my partner, expect for Kat.

Maybe that time, I really feel hurt. My mum's the reason. Long story. I never talk to people, they left me out. End of story. This is the life I chose. No regrets. There's no turning back. It's over anyway.

There's once, my teacher talk to me and I really feel stress up because of o level. He ask me if I want to let mum and dad know, I said no. I cried for very long that day while talking to him. My whole body is numb and my head spins after all the crying and sniffing. I saw my puffy eyes and red nose in the mirror. I can't stop crying. Everything piles up in this heart of mine and I don't know how to express my feelings. Bottled up. Finally everything just blow up, it's out of control. Once, I hate everything around me. It turns out that I'm wrong...I'm just hurting myself. There's something in my heart I want to remove and throw away, talking to friend doesn't help. What else can I do?

See this lonely figure. It reminds me of myself last time. It hurts, and my mind will think back of those days when I feel like a zombie.
Crying, is just not me. I'm not weak. I will be happy.

Stupid hormones, wait and see.

Want to know

2011-07-12T22:23:00.002+08:00

I started to have feelings for Judo…but still worried for my studies. Twice a week, and I like it. I like my juniors, they are so enthu abt Judo. Really, I should get inspired by them. =)
Physical training really helps me to become stronger and I feel less muscle aches.
Speed improved, technique definitely still need improvement. I want to take grading. But going overseas around Sep, hope that it won't clash. I'm so excited for the coming holiday! Got Juo BBQ, going overseas, and I believe there's more to come!

I got a feeling, I should wait. Think so much, having so many what ifs, I feel that it's just a waste of time. Work for what I want before I can get it. I don't look for that thing, I believe someday sometime, it will be here for me.

MBCHM, study the different glycogen metabolism enzymes makes me so crazy. Spent the whole afternoon on that phosphorylation and dephosphorylation, figuring out PK A activates what enzyme, GS or GP, trying to say this sentence to test if it is a riddle-"phosphorylase kinase phosphorylate glycogen phosphorylase. " OMG! Now you get what I mean. =X

Study harder, girl. I've been playing "Monster World" on facebook. I should quit soon. I'm so bad! Haven't even do PCT presentation. Haiz...disappointed with myself.

Now, I just feel like going for Judo training and see my juniors. We throw each other, fight, get injured and most importantly, we've sweat together. I believe that this bond formed between us will never be broken. I love you guys for making me wanting and longing to go Judo every week!

=)

You guys are more hard working and smarter than I am. Picking up Judo really fast! =D
Now I feel I'm so lucky to join Judo.
I learnt so many things that can apply in life. Concentration, determination, speed, constancy, ....blah blah. Life isn't a bed of roses. Just like judo- you'll get thrown. Through all the trainings, been through ups and downs in life, I see that there's too many beautiful things in people, the environment, nature. Being EMO sucks! When I look around me, I tell myself that it's a new day, there's something interesting bound to be discovered or waiting for me to discover it. Life, like what all wise man say, it's unpredictable. Someday I just feel like a piece of shit waiting to be flush down the toilet bowl, someday I feel like I'm someone important, someone who make a difference in people's life. Knowing that I've created or mount a memory in someone's life, especially the week 0 orientation over night game, I feel glad that someone remembered me in this the "sweet hidding" station and listen to the freshies complain about how difficult it is to find the candy, my heart sings. I will think-"Woa...these people remember my station(however, they don't remember me...but it's ok!)" I'm touched. =')

Miss all those busy days...going for Chingay practise and the OLTC camp.
Miss those days...Haiz...

After Judo training

2011-06-24T00:24:00.003+08:00

Went to MacPherson Pri to help out with their camp.
My partners , only two of them, both fell sick. Fell so lonely and not hyper at all. Find it difficult to mix with the JC people. They have their own circle of friends and they all are very high people. Haiz. The lunch which the Malay stall auntie cook taste really salty and oily. In another word, unhealthy. But anyway, I'm hungry and it's free! LOL!

Went for the national day singing audition. I got in. Not because I'm very good though; it's because there's only a few that are really gifted in singing. The others either too nervous or really can't sing very well. Out of tune and no rhythm. Such standard can also come for audition, I have nothing to say. Not that I'm being bad and sarcastic, it's really that case. If you saw this, work harder and try next time. Maybe you'll become better then all those selected, which includes me.

Last Fri and Sat, worked at BBC popular as a cashier. I was fun, tiring, very confusing at times, boring at times too, get hungry easily, and very forgetful. I tell you arh, I'm really very forgetful! I always forget to return the credit card to the customer. I think at least 5 times! Lucky my partner whowas helping me, Joe, she reminded me, encouraged me, she cheered me up and calmed me down when I feel tense and stressed up because there's too many things too handle at one go. Thank you very much, Joe! =D BTW, I've told Marcus you've said Hi. =)

30/31 June, $170 coming to my bank. Must wait for mom or dad to help retrieve then I can spent. Need to buy quite a lot of things. First on the list- Starhub prepaid card $18
Second will be contact lens. The current pair going two months already! Counting the days I'm not wearing it.

PCT haven't even started. Don't even know how to go about doing it. Haiz...
The information I need always cannot find online. haiz again.

Today after Judo, Sensei drove us, a grp of girls, to the bubble tea shop. After taking a sip, I feel dam shoik! =) Milk tea taste so good! Although I still prefer KOI. Hehe....!

School is starting soon. To be exact, 3 more days only! Finally holiday is over man! I'm feeling I have becoming more stupid cause I'm not really using my brain. Stress will come eventually, why not enjoy now? Sounded like and excuse not to revise my work. Opps...becoming lazy.

Tomorrow meeting with Jun Hong to discuss about the dam glycolysis, TCA and ETC. We've(biotech) been learning this for the third time seriously, but with more details.

Sat going to do my CIP. 8.30am. Hope that it will be enjoyable for me and the old folks. =)
Sunday...hmm...no plans yet? Most probably teaching my darling sis bio. Compare to her syllabus, her's is a lot harder and I only have limited knowledge here. So I will teach her basic stuff and explain to her the notes after I understand the concept. She will do proud of me... HAHAHA!=)

Duno y and what's wrong.

2011-06-11T22:39:00.002+08:00

Term tests were over. Next term will be a very busy term I believe. More difficult topics are coming up and I guess time management becomes even more important.

Life isn't that bad. There is always something fresh and new I can try as long as I'm willing to.
Smilling is not that difficult and hard. Don't think too much is really important.

=)

So late now. Go sleep first. Tmr need go training. Haiz...

2011-05-09T17:05:00.003+08:00

"How's school"
"Not bad I guess..."

Well,...the problem is not sch, it's my home.
This problem had been there since forever, and don't know why out of sudden I'm affected by the fact that the house is extremely messy. I guess the hormones are making me feel annoyed. Dam it!

What happen is yeah, a fight or a war happened. I lost the war. Complain, complain. I did room cleaning for me and my sis share bed room. Now, it's the cleanest room in our house. The living room is the 2nd messy one. The messist room is the store room.

The war started when I disagree with mom's plan to fly to get goods for her business. I'm a bad daughter, telling her that she shouldn't go and sell the goods that had piled up year by year first. Indeed I don't quite understand her way of doing business. But two ladies end up shooting bombs at each other and finally, I exploded. That's when I went to my room and do the cleaning.

I guess mum's not in good mood either. She got her special days too.
I think I have to find a way to deal with my mood swing days. Haiz.
Eat or exercise... sounds good.

I can't go online during weekends until the computer is ready.
I'm in the library now.
It's good that there's no distracrion for me. But it's bad when Mon lec need notes.

That reminds me of the stupid bus this morning.
One...zoom pass.
Two, three, four...zoom!
I'm flared up! No bus can get me to sch. I took a random bus and get the the bus stop opp Safara. Walk to sch. My sweat is dripping down my head I swear ,when I reached school. Maybe I should come to sch at 8 instead of report at 9. What a bad start. The good thing is I wasn't very late. The prob is I forget which LT I'm supposed to be at. Dam it! Haven't I wake up? Still so blur.

Tmr, tmr,...tmr 2pm go home!!! Yeah! =D

2011-05-05T12:24:00.002+08:00

Since I'm waiting for the photos to be uploaded, hehe...

Currently at libray.
Later go lunch.
After lunch got lab.
After lab got Judo.

Sleep.

Then a start of brand new day! =)

Friday night got BBQ!!!
Shoik!!! =D

2011-04-19T16:22:00.002+08:00

Hi hi

A few more min later, I'll have to report to LT8.

Why is library always so cold. Air con on like free one. -.-

Sch starting soon. Kinda of nervous, getting all those nightmares of failing test and exams.
WL! Sch haven't even start homework already starting to hunt me. Grrr....

Hope that tonight the freshies will be more hyper.
=)

Enjoy your amazing race(AR)!

=D

2011-04-07T20:01:00.002+08:00

Are u ready kids
What's up A woo~
I can't hear you
What's up AAHHHH!!!!
OH~~~~

A-N-U-J-A-K guess who we are
A-Nu-Jak wee....

Guys all MACHO and girls all sexy
A-Nu-Jak wee....

We are so smart we are not stupid
A-Nu-Jak wee....

Want to gang fight we'll on your feet!
A-Nu-Jak wee....

We... A-Nu-Jak x3
make you go tssss....

Ouch!

That's very hot!

Fear

2011-03-18T09:07:00.004+08:00

What do you fear most?
Loneliness, bad results, hurt someone...etc.
I fear...my own feelings.

When you know something is wrong and you still can't suppress the urge to do it. That is really scary.

I have a scar (I'm looking at it but seems like it has fade away) more than 10 cm long.
First time it's there it's without warning. It bleeds.
When it heals, the blood clot. It's when it hurts then I know it'll there and eventually leave a scar.
That was four years ago. At first I'm worried about people asking, but they didn't. Everything's normal. As time gone by, I forget about it's presence. The damage is done, I can't do anything. Butt whenever I glance at it, I can still remember how I got it. Every scar tells a story, either a good one or a bad one. Mine, is out of mischief. And that considers it as a bad one.

Inside me there's a lot of scar.
Most I can't see, so it heals and I think I had forgotten about them; considering I'm someone who does not have a good memory. There's a scar, with one extremely ridiculous reason how I got it is that, I hurt myself. And the mastermind are feelings...the word I fear most.

My mind is conscious that it's going to hurt by doing so but I tired very had to fought with my own feelings. I know why I surrender and let the blade slit. Although everything is fake, it's only a description; there's no real knife or scar, but I can feel it-the pain. I lost the "Mind versus Feelings" battle, imagining I only have a brain but I have so many feelings. This doesn't make sense because it is the brain which tells you what you are feeling. People like to write things based on feelings not logic. I guess that is another reason to fear feelings.

Where does the blade comes from then? The image seen from eyes and interpret by brain which sent signal to slice off the healed wound. The image determines the level of intensity of how the wound will be treated. Of course, the level of pain.

People always run away from their problems. Facing the problem is not difficult right? But why face the problem when you can chose the easy way out-running away. Can you run forever? I can't. But time can make us forget about the problem. If we continue to let it be, it will hunt us again eventually.

I want to see you. That is what stops me from going somewhere far.
"No, please wake up!!! Stop thinking!!!" is what the other me is shouting to me.
When the two voice fight, I stand there do nothing.
Let me tell you how I feel.
-longing and hope to see you
-looking forward
-guilty
-angry
-sad, lost, confused
So the "bad" me wins and I walked away.
Simple, easy to understand but so hard to decide.
No easy way out?

Chongmal bichi!

New blog skin

2011-03-17T17:04:00.004+08:00

Wow...it's been two years since the last time I've change the blogskin.
Nice right? yaepunji?

Chowah? oktokae? Nan chongmal appa. chi gum, bugoshipta. hajiman... malmichongmai appa. oktokaji? cho a hae... si rlom!

My result is like well, u get what I mean.
It's worse than last sem.
Continue next time...bye

Beautiful Heart

2011-02-25T18:37:00.003+08:00

Lipstick
She always wanted, but can't afford
"It's a want, not a need" is want kept her form getting it

7 years later...
A lipstick company hold a contest
To give the new lipstick a fancy name
She participated and won the whole series of lipsticks.
Is she happy?
Yes, but she never used them.
The happiness did not last long.
One day, she give them all away.

"Since I don't need them, why not give it to those who wants?"
by doing so...
she gain more than what she lost.
It least she's happy that she brought smiles on people's face.

I have a question.
How do I give?
I don't know is it a want or a need.
What determines it?
Time?

Seems like it's more than just one question. =P

Who am I to you? Who are u to me?

2011-02-22T20:01:00.006+08:00

Some words stabs right through the chest like a sword.
Some moments feel like the worst NG scene ever.
Some places pour down memories that kills you silently inside.
Some songs brings you out of this world, to the darkest space ever.
Some memories flashes pictures that had been kept in the corner of the brain for centuries.
Some people are in action only in dreams, some walk past and stopped by for a second.
Some places with no fire, no sun, but amazingly, it can make melt you.
Some places with no blasting music, can make you feel like dancing to the beats of the heart.
Some eyes, though not the most prefect pair, does wonder by adding butterflies in you.
Some voice, makes the day right without trying.
Some emotions, flows in you like fizzy drinks.
Some laughter, sounds like it's coming from another end of the earth.
Some conversation you never want to hear, forced through it's way to the head.
Some feelings I want to throw away, gets forced back down.
Many things I want to forget sets an alarm every now and then to remind me of them.
Is this heaven, earth, hell, ...you or me?
Questions, questions and more questions.
How to quit this game?
How to get back to reality?
How not to hear, think, see, assume?
How to die without dying?
How to restart everything when there isn't restart button in life?
How to face my own feelings?
How to control my mind when it's beyond control?
How to stand, turn and walk another direction without falling again?
How to kill you without breaking anything?
How to remove you, delete you, rid...?
Can I turn back time?
Can I remain silent?
Can I die now?

Hand me the pills...
bring me back to the past...
let me edit it,
rewrite my story,
recolour my memories,
so that I can tell a prefect tale.

Sometimes, it's the small imperfection which makes life prefect.
You are the perfection in life that is like a piece of dark chocolate.
I want to describe no more.
You are indescribable.
You may not the missing puzzle piece...(this is so not original)
But the feeling of making you mine is so overwhelming...I can't believe that this is me.
Tell me it's not me, it's not me,... not me.
I seriously want to shot my brain,
dig my heart out and slice off the part that is missing you.
I want to make myself deaf so that I won't hear anything about you and what you say.
I want to remove my eyes so that I won't ever see you again.
I want to stop thinking, thinking, missing, and missing.
No point doing all these. I'm being selfish, I'm attracting unwanted attention.
I have just wasted your time to make you read all this shit.
I have a choice, I think I made the wrong decision.
I think I've made the wrong turn.
I think I must have make a mistake.

Dear blog ,

I HATE MYSELF!!!
I want to study for Exam but I can't concentrate with all these things going around in my mind.
I have thrown most of the things to you.
Hope that you will still bless me in my studies.
A million thanks!
<3 Less then three you.

Me

lei le

2011-01-28T23:43:00.002+08:00

看到了，会害怕。
没见到，心情会不好。
我，真的够了。好累呀！

反之，不论我做什么都好累。

2x the effort.
I need to sleep.

Movies to watch

2011-01-16T22:37:00.002+08:00

* Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, 1984 film
* Castle in the Sky, 1986 film
* My Neighbor Totoro, 1988 film
* Kiki's Delivery Service, 1989 film
* Porco Rosso, 1992 film
* Princess Mononoke, 1997 film
* Spirited Away, 2001 film (winner, Academy Award for Best Animated Feature, 2002)
* Howl's Moving Castle, 2004 film (nominee, Academy Award for Best Animated Feature, 2005)
* Ponyo, 2008 film

All from haha! =D

Hayao Miyazaki

JC thoughts.,..

2011-01-11T18:27:00.002+08:00

When busy becomes nothing to do, I feel like I'm not living.

Back to lousy days, attend lectures.
Fighting hard to stay awake. Haiz, sian.
If one fine day I suddenly want to do something fun, I want to use my new EL result and appeal to go JC. Nah...not possible. No worries.

第一次

2011-01-05T23:51:00.004+08:00

当你看着我我没有开口已被你猜透
还是没把握还是没有符合你的要求
是我自己想得太多还是你也在闪躲
如果真的选择是我我鼓起勇气去接受不知不觉让视线开始闪烁
喔第一次我说爱你的时候呼吸难过心不停地颤抖
喔第一次我牵起你的双手失去方向不知该往那儿走
那是一起相爱的理由(对我) 那是一起厮守
喔第一次吻你深深的酒涡想要清醒却冲昏了头
喔第一次你躺在我的胸口二十四小时没有分开过
那是第一次知道天长地久
感觉你属于我感觉你的眼眸第一次就决定决不会错

我不喜欢第一次的感觉。
应为会不知做错；
会手忙脚乱；
会好糊涂。

我喜欢第一次的感觉。
应为有心跳；
应为有微笑；
应为有。。。
你

Breakout Episode 20

2011-01-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

Check out this great MSN video: Breakout Episode 20

Bed time story

2011-01-01T00:31:00.002+08:00

Start from 05:33 to 11:44
(Y)

Less than 3

2010-12-29T15:11:00.002+08:00

Less than 3
Less than 3 <3
Less than 3

The "杨梅" book, very very emotional.
她的故事，想在描写着我的心声。好痛苦，可是她和我一样，我们没有选择的余地。
We have the choice, but under such circumstances, we have no right to choice.
She's all alone. She's being bullied, no1 stood up for her.(Lucky I'm not in that situation)
I'm like her because we like to keep things to ourselves and torture ourself.
I'm a lot luckier than her, but I can totally put myself in her shoe.
I can understand how she feel and what she is going through.

2 teachers that helped me. Primary school and secondary school teacher.
Mdm Ng, p5 and 6 form teacher, she is extremely nice. She has a beautiful heart, heart of gold. Motherly love. haha! She motivated me to study hard for my English. I less than 3 her.
Mr Ho, maths(A and E) teacher, very nice teacher. =) Have great passion for maths.
I suck at A math, but I work hard and miraculously, I got a B3. Never in my life I get higher than E8 for Amaths. I always get F9. Mission accomplish. Proud of myself. Good job.

Being lock inside my room and cried for hours. You'll feel like vomiting and very giddy and tired. Why must she do that? I meant mum. I scored badly, not fail. You see, my sister is smart. If you compare our results, of course the one being beaten is always ME. No choice lah, that was how many years ago....erm...4 years? Yup. That year, I become very eh....filled with hatred? Hate the world, especially school.
陈年往事，放下它吧。 Let's not talk about it.

School is starting soon.
I haven't finish homework.
When can I finish?

Girl

2010-12-23T19:15:00.002+08:00

Had a good sleep.
Don't know what happened yesterday night.
I can't sleep. Memories flashing in my mind. Rush of emotions.
Well, I did...
:sniff: :sniff:
I didn't mean to do it but...
tears

I hate to cry to sleep, ok?
I said it like I did it before, right?

Since last year.

I fear my results
I miss some1 too much

Every time I did, tmr morning will be a brand new day.
I'm back to normal.
But I feel bad for that.
I can share my problems.
Why use this method?

好好的睡了一觉。
今天的早晨很美。
Wash up.
The girl is smiling at me.
I guess she's feeling better.

你很笨哦。设么都不懂。
蒙蒙懂懂，你以为你还小吗？
过去的回不来。你就不要想那么多嘛！

我想我可以忘了这一切，我今天被释放了。
Byebye,...我的记忆.

touch

2010-12-19T23:41:00.003+08:00

Close your eyes.
Who's the one in your mind right now?
If one day I can do it, without seeing it in my mind,
I'M FREE.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
In an imaginary ocean.
No one's there.
I'm struggling, I can't breathe.

Hold my heart, touch my brain.
Have I lost myself? Am I really crazy?
What had happened? Who are you? Look! The girl in the mirror. Who is she? Why is she here?
Fatigue, weary, drained. She don't look fine. Is she sick? What happened?
Seriously, what had happened to me? Tell me.
Hormones fault again? No way.

She feel like she's not living.
Like her world has no colours. Black and white days.
She fake smiles, acting cheerful. What can she do?
She's just a teen. She don't have money to splurge, she didn't find friends to go out with. She's trying to act all emo. Trying to hurt herself, punishing herself for being a bad girl, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad class mate, a bad friend, a bad human.
See no joy, hear no laughter, touch no hearts, feel just loneliness.
She thinks she's insane, she thinks she thinks too much. She can't help it. She feel like living is a torture. Why there's breaks?
I don't want to stay at home.
I don't want to face strangers who are living together and is only a thin thread that binds us together. I see no hope to strengthen this relationship once I decided to leave their religion. All hope is lost. lost their heart, their faith in me. I don't know what have I left with. Me? How am I suppose to go on? I have nothing to fear any more, I have nothing to lose- I lost everything.
I heard a voice in me "Congrats! You are such an idiot, trusting others but not your parents." The only time we had our "family gathering" is only when we attend religion stuff. I hated the religion a lot. I'm very doubtful of the teachings. I guess you can say our bonding occurs when Buddha is around. I can't say anything. I'm forced to go. I protested, cried, screamed, shouted. It doesn't help at all. They are my parents, I can't just say no. They are my oxygen in water, I can't break. The hole is just getting bigger and bigger. Who can salvage the situation?
I feel like a sinner. I feel so guilty. I feel so shameful of myself. I feel I can't stand properly any more. I feel I need to go somewhere and think. Home, is not comforting at all. Fear, tension, anger, jealousy is building up. Someday it will explode. Someday it will come. I will die on that day, seriously. Not parents, who else? Counsellor? Crap people making money just by listening and giving advice. I can do that too.

What else do I have? Courage to face my parents? Confidence to get A for everything? What kind of joke is this? What it means in songs where she sings my world is tumbling down? Every single breath I'm taking in feels restricted. Everything I want to do feels useless. What hope do I have. What does the future holds for me? Woa...am I writing my last words? God?!?!? Am I that negative? What am I thinking? Use your brain to study, not to think this kind of things lah, stupid Li Ying. This is not the end. I have to see myself walk to hundred years later and leave my name behind forever. This, is not the end yet.

So what if you have nothing? You have everything to gain. You, have nothing to lose any more. Isn't that good?

I'm always afraid of waking up with no one beside me when I was young.
I'm a scaredie cat. Good-for-nothing little girl last time. I'm very protective of my stuff. "My mother gave this to me, you can't have it" "The lights are turned on by mum, I can't off it any how." I think I love my mum too much when I'm younger. I'm not sociable. Everything that's important to me I treasured it a lot. I don't want to regret it later. But to mum, she took no notice of these things. 心灰意冷 le. Warm hearted. Freezed by coldness. I know whenever I feel sad, I wanted mum. She is forever not there for me. Work work work. Not me, nothing, not at all. I don't know why, it hurts badly. My heart, my throat, my eyes hurt. "I'm not cared" is what I thought. In actual fact, she does. I can't feel it, that's all. I can only blame myself for not being a good love receptor. I always always wish she could smile everyday. I'm feel good when she smiles. Natural reaction right. But doesn't she feel bad when I'm vex?

Overall, I'm a bad person. I don't pass the life subject.
I'm not a failure in life, but I'm a loser.
I lost.
You win.
Speechless, aren't you?
Ignore me.
I'm being nonsensical.
Trust me. Don't bump into a person like me.
You'll get the emo virus. Don't ever think of leaving.
You are loved.
I'll love you. A thousand times more than anyone in this world.
Your life is too precious. Your heart my not be the most beautiful one. To me, your existence is worth more than anything in the universe.
I have myself. Enough.

Finish-term test

2010-12-16T21:57:00.004+08:00

Sad-feel down
-no sense of direction
-lost
-wanted to be alone
-negative thoughts

I cannot imagine living through the days being ignored by the person you care.
Although it's sad, life still goes on.
Until the day I can not think of it, I guess I have to treat this as some kind of test. A lot of question, but I'll never find the answer.

Some questions are not meant to be answered; but sometimes you need the answer so much so that you'll do whatever it takes to get it. I have nothing to fear if I have nothing to lose. But I lost. That proves that the answer did paid a price. To me, it's a huge price. But all I need is time.

Bothered by religion stuff. Christan or Buddhist? I choose neither.
Why? I'm sick and tired of religion. Being involved in either one devotedly will definitely going to hurt a lot of people. I guess this is a price to pay for not being honest. You cannot define love without actions. Turning left, I may hurt my parents, turning right, I may hurt my friends. I can't sit on the fence. I feel that my choice is in my hand, but letting something go is just so difficult. It's impossible for me to not hurt anyone. Decisions and more to think about. Tired? Exhausted. I just want to escape and live my life the way I want. Here, am I talking just about religion or am I hinting something else? Weird mind.

The new forensic science course is so appealing and interesting!!!
Should I go? Since that's my field of interest. Oh GOD! Why now???
Why last year didn't offer?
I can chose. I can decide. But to study on more year....hmmm...bad idea. One more year of school fee. Ahhhh!!!! Going crazy!!! PAUSE!!! Don't think already. Don't think so much. Getting want you want, having what you like is simply difficult for you. YOU, liying! To you, I'm speechless. I guess you have to find your own way to live without feeling this way. You are lucky, you have everything you need. Those 'wants' just throw them into the toilet bowl and flush down. Don't think so much. Forget it men! You have better things to do in life other than just school and religion. I'm sure I can find my best friend soon.

You! Standing there. Within my sight.
So what if I'm a stranger.
So what if I'm not?
So what if you never see?
So what if you don't care?
So what if that doesn't belong?
If it's you, it's already the whole world.
As long as it's you, it's brighter.
The rain, still smiles. The sun, still cries.
So what?
As long as it's you.

Crazy girl crazy mind.
If I have nothing to fear. Why hide?
Keeping feelings to myself. It's not difficult at all.
It's the act, not just the thoughts.
Give up? What does it take?
Stand up and fight, like what I learn in Judo. Never say die spirit.
Facing the problems and facing the person are equally difficult.
Where has the fighting spirit gone to?
If it's you, I guess they had been engulfed...

Losing your mind,
popping thoughts away like bubbles;
Say nothing. Feel.
What is right? What is wrong?
Why care so much?
Life still goes on.

I just want you to be happy.

hey world!

2010-12-14T16:50:00.002+08:00

Hip hop yesterday was FUN!!!!
I've gone wild and crazy. My sister don't like it. I'm too hyper! =P
Maths tmr
no life

Duno what to say.
=)

Wow...1 week more. End of this term. Time sure flies...

2010-12-03T19:22:00.003+08:00

In just a blink of an eye, it's going to be the end of the term already!
Soon, our first year will be over. Gosh! The thought of learning more bio sought of gives me shivers. Just endure 2.1 everything else goes smoothly. JY for term test! Break is coming! =)

Saw the hip hop schedule. OMG! 2 days clashes with Judo. No choice. Must choose 1 which is of course Hiphop, cause less tiring. =P

The HPI test today was disastrous!The last 2 question I can't figured out what it's asking. OMG! Hope I get that right. If not... T.T Very very de sad leh...I study for so long....

Impromptu speech.
I knew teacher will call me.I'm waiting, Miss Hamida.=) And she did. The speech-I don't even know what I'm saying. I wasn't even thinking when I talk. The mouth is talking. I don't know whether it makes sense or not.

Personal example- My parents busy, I'm also busy. We never really talk to each other. I think one day say less than 5 sentence everyday.Somedays, we didn't talk at all. Dam sad.

Cravings for ice-cream.

One song for you-

Off to revise Jap and music.
Revise sciences.
Do tutorials(hope I can finish today)
Good night then.
Please take care!
=)

Long time

2010-11-28T00:08:00.004+08:00

This week passed very fast.
Had 3 test or 4? Can't remember.
Had presentation.
Had CCA and Hip hop.
Had meetings on tuesday and friday.
Still have to do research for CSAS2 and need to study HPI test for next friday.
Still need to prepare for HSS test. I don;t even know what will come out for Jap or music.
And when is the CSAS test coming? Wk 6 is it? Or nxt sem?
So many things I'm confused.
Lab manual haven't finish preparing yet.
Haven't revise for circulatory system.
I can remember the plateau and pace maker...ah...can't remember anything!!!
Very messy and confused.
Gotta plan my next week.

The hip hop lesson today got me some tan.
But not even.
They promise burger for the Monday practise!
=) I'm hungry.
Woa! I didn't notice it's that late! 12:16.
So now it officially SUnday!!!

After school starts, my time with my dear computer has become short.
One week use only 3 to 4 times. Ok, it's fair enough.
Still have HPI tutorial haven't print out.
Bmic Prac for nxt week haven't print.
Bmic tut haven't done yet.
My Bmic notes is still with CheeMay.
OMG! How am I suppose to do my tut question!
I must sleep now.
I don't want to become a panda.
I submitted my CSAS learning log just a few minutes ago.
Finally done! =)

Good night! Sweet dreams everyone! =D
Lots of love,
Twinkle!!!

Sick

2010-11-18T20:02:00.002+08:00

Fever for 2 and a half days.
Dam it. My nose...I can't breath properly.

Xin is having her prom night now. I bet she'll enjoy her day.
Thanks for looking after your sick sister. =)

Emotions...readers always wants to know what are u feeling deep inside.
Warm and sometimes cold.
In my mind, I'm always guessing.
Kinda a game I play everyday.
Guessing whether xin had sleep.
Guessing whether there is something going on.
I didn't really ask for the answer. I think I have good senses.
I hear my dad's key when I'm in bed and dad is outside the house.
I hear someone knocking on the door when the television and music is on.
On the bus, thinking eh...is that person from a particular CCA?
Somehow, it shows.
I remember the orientation wk 0, Azmi's fingers are dancing on the table.
I thought he plays the guitar. True.
Ok, I admit that it's not something to brag about. Anyone who have eyes can see...
I'm observant, but I'm stubborn, like my family members. All stubborn people.
Me, I practically shut myself out from some people.
Ask me to define the "some people", I duno. My mind is weird. Really weird.
Maybe that Judo guy with dam long hair! Shh...don't tell him. Later he throw me. =P

I'm thinking of marshmallow now. The baby pink and blue ones. =)
Sweet and soft, chewy and lovely. =)
Can I have one now?

Hope the candy floss sells well tomorrow.
I will volunteer to eat! Haha! =p

Crazy, Mad, insane list of THINGS TO DO

2010-11-15T21:31:00.002+08:00

Ok.
Firstly, I know I'm not suppose to be right in front of the com now.
There's a lot of things waiting for me to be done.

1. Jap presentation haven't done
2. Tutorials waiting too.
3. Need to print notes
4. Need to revise complicated stuff that teacher just throw to us during lectures.
5. Study for HPI test tmr.
6. Meet Karen tmr
7. Buy something from bk shop
8. Go for hip hop class on sat.
9. The list will be going on and on.
10. I'm going to go insane!!!! Ah! ah! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh......!

RELAX!
Stop.

Slow down. DO it one by one.
You can do it!
=)

梦

2010-11-11T09:24:00.002+08:00

真的，真的，很无奈。
设么都由别人来说‘别人来作主。
难道我连说话的余地都没有吗？

God has been very very good to me.
But I haven't make myself useful.
Bad girl.

Tired. Always. Why?

from facebook-Xiao Fang's post

2010-11-09T22:02:00.000+08:00

Tiffany + Brook • St. Regis, Ca from VisualMasterpiece on Vimeo.

School sick~

2010-11-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

Seriously, I want to go to school.
At home is worst then being in school.
At school at least can walk around around round and round.
At home walk a few steps then reach a bed, want to sleep.
Sian.

What u staring?
The scene behind you nice siah...

I would like to say that too.
Haha...

Got worker-holic feel.
I think I'm scared of getting the same grade this sem.
Fear...

I can do it! Must believe in myself.
How to say something that you mean it, and not something you say it too often that it becomes meaningless?
Saying I miss you, I miss you...
who doesn't say this everyday?
Surely there's someone you'll miss every day.
How do I mean what I say?

Can you appear in front of me?
Sounds nicer? No...don't think so.
Simple two words-Meet me, call me, contact me.
Distance is not the problem right?
Is whether you want to or not.
My parents often call long-distance call to relatives in China.
Why do I mention these?
There's a lot of "I miss you" everywhere!
Facebook, MSN, Songs.
There's always some you never gonna meet again.
Three words then-I love you.

Blog oh blog...
Why are you a non living thing?
Why am I a living thing?
Do you empathise with me?
Do you understand a single thing?
I'm living, you're not.
You don't have feelings.

I'm a teen.
I want to be a child again.
So many things to do, to worry about.
I fear someday, IMH will become my home.
I can do it! I must believe in myself that this period will be over SOON!
Two more months, I'll be 18.
Officially an adult.
Will I be?
I don't think so.
I still want a huge birthday cake with lots of candles.
Still behaving like a kid.
=)
It's fun to be me.
Hard to be someone I am now.
Sad...

Study Hard!
Jia YOU! <=)

2010-11-04T08:03:00.002+08:00

Why humans have complicated minds?

Love yourself, but don't become selfish.
I'm totally a greedy pig.
Not contended with almost everything.
Sleep, family, friends...blah blah blah...
Wish I can NOT grow up.
Every thing's simpler and easier.
No complications.
Actually I can, is whether I chose to or not, right?
Greedy, selfish person; I'm more and more like that.
Teach me how to change! Please!
I kept on saying I'm tired. I'm tired because I need sleep. Long hours of school days just drain energy away.

Cell Bio Movies!!

2010-11-01T21:21:00.000+08:00

1. Inner life of a cell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVvvx5HGpLg

By now u should be able to recognise structure and function of the various parts. Practice and see if you could. To get your answer, check out the below link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZZ3DD_tV9k&feature=related

2. The stages of mitosis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPG6480RQo0&feature=related

3. The explanation for meiosis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh7c8YbYGqo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1_-mQS_FZ0&feature=related

4. Cell signalling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMeBZlbs2dU

5. G-protein signalling explanation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_0EcUr_txk&NR=1

6. cAMP signalling explanation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGb93jCKVXs&NR=1

7. Tyrosine kinase activation

http://www.wiley.com/college/fob/quiz/quiz21/21-15.html

8. Cell signals

Overall perspective only. To see how everything integrates. Watch it like Avatar, and not worry about having to memorise everything.

Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGd5kg9JqoM&feature=related

Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12QHDoSiEWM&feature=channel

9. Apoptosis. – watch this before you start apoptosis lectures!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP8Cr9n_oXw&feature=related

Many links cannot work.
This is from olive.

Wagashi

2010-10-30T18:00:00.003+08:00

Wagashi: the graphics of Japanese confection/Kazuya Takaoka, Mutsuo Takahashi, Hiroshi Yoda

Item ID: T1870237

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bananagranola/3316041186/

Starting in 1 day

2010-10-23T19:19:00.003+08:00

Timetable.

Dear Magician:

2010-10-15T21:28:00.005+08:00

World of Magic ... illusions...
The way you appear and disappear suddenly is amazing.
Every movement, every expression, tells a story.
The story, playing with feelings-

When something excites the audience, everyone is holding their breathe, waiting for unexpected outcome. Then you purposely act like you've failed and everyone is disappointed, you did it again, but this time successfully, in order to make it more surprising. Applause roaring like thunder below the stage.
You, have the power to change people's mood from disappointed to satisfying.

You are really a wonderful magician-
You can say a word and made a smile on my face.
A touch of your magic wand, you can bring me out of this world.
Your mysterious smile, the most amazing way of controlling minds...
The rhythm of your footsteps, I can hear my heart echoing it.
Every time you're under the spotlight, you caught all of my attention.
The power to control my mind; immerse totally in your magic.
No resistance, my mind can't function, went in to other world-Your world of magic
Excellent performance, can't take my eyes off you, not even a single second.
Even after the performance, the scene kept replaying in my mind.
I can't forget you. Everything you did.
You've done your job, leaving a deep impression.
...
When the audience long for more of your magic shows, times up, you're gone.
Appear a while ago, disappear for long.
We're disappointed, but impressed.

Where are you? Where you've been to?
We missed you.
...

Attention - caught
Emotion - your feelings
Senses - all to you
Feelings - caught
Heart - checked
Mind - all into
U? - Disappear...back to your world

Bad magician-
Y didn't you make all the images of you, in my mind, removed?
Y didn't you bring everything you gave and left, along with you?
Y can't you stop mi heart beating for u?
Y didn't u stop entering mi dreams?

I'm completely lost. How did it all starts? When is it ending?
Did u set the time?

Planting roses in mi heart, take the flower away, leaving the thorns behind.
Pouring rivers of memories in to my mind, never ending flow.
What are tears for? Indication of overflowing?
No use. Act of weakness.
Totally sick. Insane. Unbreakable nightmare with soft melody.
A seduction. Toxic. Addiction. Poison. Hopeless. Never ending. Hypnotised.
Holding a compass without needle. Searching for a way out. Aimlessly.
Can't u use your magic, bring me out of your maze - your world of magic.

You are just an illusion right? Never been here before. Just like a mirror reflection.
Perfect illusion. Your everything. Even if it's misleading, charming.
Lost myself. Lost control. My mirror reflection becomes the master of me.
Shutting my eyes, stretching out touching imaginary breeze, walking towards the other side of the mirror. Following my senses, finding you. The illusion I've been searching-You. Blind as a baby mouse, afraid to open my eyes. My compass, the heart, is navigating. The answer, forever unknown - there's no question in the first place.
Your magic, can only be used outside the mirror. Useless.

I'm an idiot, you're a jerk.

Never ending search, searching never ending love.
Forget it, please.
You are finding yourself trouble.
STOP!

UpDATE

2010-10-14T15:00:00.002+08:00

Hi there...

Been sleeping a lot.
O lvl coming soon.
Judo tonight.
What else... ah...
Watch dramas.
Read? Yup!
Shop? I guess...

Say if I want to.

Shall go off first? bb

Night

2010-10-06T23:07:00.002+08:00

Why do dramas always show impossible things?
Making people imagine, looking forward and day dream.
Why didn't I realise that it's impossible?
What's there to hope for?

People change people's life, that's because that person is important to the other person. Thick skin is a must right. It's impossible. Since people now a days care a lot about their image. Making the first move, seems easy, it's supposed to be, and the fear makes it difficult, afraid of losing face. Right? Drama's are bunch of lies like fairy tales, for people like me, selfish and dumb. Care too much of my own feelings to care about others. I feel extremely guilty. =(

The girl kept crying through out the whole drama. Seriously, what's there to be sad about? There are still many people who care for her, and help her along the way. She's much more lucky than me. Am I complaining my life again? Oh shit! Get a life LY! Stop it.

I can't sleep without feeling a bit emo, I duno why. Headache seem to be my friend now a days, come and go, go and come back again. Something is wrong with my brain.

Sad.

Has been a long time...

2010-10-06T07:42:00.002+08:00

I learnt something new :
that "Love is not difficult. The difficult part is finding someone who loves back."
-LiYing

LOL!?!

Why? Why?

Just thinking of ..., the eerie feeling will come.
I duno why, but am I scared of u or what.
Maybe u are a virus; u may be toxic.
I just wish I won't be tired over removing all those thoughts.

Seeing a family playing at ECP , I feel ... a mixture of feeling.
I knew I'll never be like them, enjoying family life.
Ah Gong ah ma, fly back to Singapore plZ...

When nobody cares , I wanted attention.
I'm not an attention seeker, in fact, I hated attention. So much so that I avoid everything and everyone just to be with myself, alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, 10 plus years eating and walking alone...what's there to be afraid of. I learn to be stronger and stronger. But inside me, the fist-size pump longed for something. Being alone feels like living in an empty shell. I don't know what is it. Now, I think it gets half filled already. Lonely people sucks, they really have no life. Did I just indirectly said that I suck? Well, I do....right?

How's it going, attention seeker? Does your life suck too?
LMAO! XD

Care and concern?

2010-09-27T21:54:00.001+08:00

Parents are busy with making money and religion; sister is busying with her o levels; brother still young and ignorant; me, I have a stupid brain. If this just continues at this rate, everyone will get depression someday. Everyone is busy with their own stuff. We do not really spent time together to understand our problem and cared for each other. I’ve tired to bond the family, but my parents didn’t put in the effort. They do not really bother about we kids. Is only when we’re sick, then they will take care for a while. They have to be focus during work, this I can’t disagree. But if they really cared about us, they would have understood our problems; not making even worse. When they came back from work, they always do their own things. Father would sleep for a while, mum will cook and they have lunch. We haven’t release from school yet at that time. The family never really ate a proper meal together. Even at dinner time, we do our own stuff. There is no bonding time for this family 24 hours, 7 days. Oh my god? Where’s the bonding time? Where’s the care and share? Where’s the love?

Ever since the day my grandparents went back to China, the family becomes scattered, we're back to the square one. Sometimes when I wanted to start a conversation, my mum will shut me up because she doesn’t what me to disturbed her watching her drama. I do wonder sometimes what other family usually does. What is the real meaning behind setting up a family if you are not committed? Are you going to let everyone suffer with you?

Someone told me that in a family, every member has a part and to play in maintaining the strong home. Look at my house! It doesn’t even look like one. It’s so messy and does look like it’s been broken in by a burglar. I don’t understand my parents. Why do mom always get annoyed so easily for no reason? I didn’t even agitate her and she can flare up and scold me for being noisy. She may be tired, and is waiting for a change. Even father wanted to push all his responsibility away and retire soon. I know both of them were very tired. They are 45 plus, going 50. They always said that we are their burden, but deep in their heart, I know they still care, but too tired to do so. As time goes by, they become use to it.

I felt pressured because I’m the eldest child. If anything were to crop up or any sudden change, I will need to take up this responsibility in maintaining the family. I’m afraid; I really don’t wish to grow up.

Everyone has a purpose in living. For my parents, there purpose of living is to receive enlightenment from Buddha. They are Taoist. They are vegetarians and they believe they will return back to heaven as Buddha. Some of us think that it’s a crazy idea or there’s no such thing. They have been in this religion for more than a decade. It’s impossible to convince them to stop believing in it; unless something big happens. I believe God is real and the Earth will become a paradise some day. But sometimes, I don’t want it to be this way. Are my parents going to be there too? If not, what’s the point of going alone? I’m so useless! I don’t have the power to change things. So limited! Many people said “every effort counts.” But did God see me trying very hard to change things but I made little progression; it’s as if there’s nothing done; no efforts made. Sometimes I want to surrender and gave up living, admit that I’ve lost. This is really being very selfish. So many people need me, I can’t think of only myself. There are still many wonderful things in life I have yet to encounter, explore and experience them.

My parents seem not to care about us. Ask my parents about me, they’ll give you answers which are what they think about me, not me myself. They seldom show care and concern. They just ask whenever they wanted our help. Am I complaining too much? I’m such a bad daughter.

I’ve always felt left out, felt unnoticeable; felt small, felt like an outsider. Am I really just a person passing you? Am I just a passerby? Am I invincible? Am I just somebody? Where do I stand in your heart? Do you care about me? Has the world left me out? Am I still living on Earth?

If my grandpa hadn’t piggy back me and run all the way to the hospital, I may not be breathing now. Twelve years ago, a particular night,I had an asthma attack. I’m sick when young. I suppose to be anywhere other than Earth, but my grandpa saved me. I’m glad I was given a chance to live again. So because of this, I often tell myself that no matter how hard, how miserable, how difficult life is, life still carries on. At least you’re not dead. You still have a choice. I can make a difference. I can change the situation and make things work. But it seemed that no one really took notice of me. They hadn’t seen me putting in a lot of effort to make things better. Did you see it? Have you felt it?

“Life isn’t a bed of roses.” Every unfortunate thing which happened is a “life” lesson. We learnt as we grow and we gain lots of experience and knowledge. We need to accept the fact that things that happen we cannot undo it. But we do have the power to make it better. We learn and improve. Life is a lesson, a practical one. Everything we do we must take it seriously. We only have one breath, one life. If we fall, we must stand up on our own. Then, we’ll become a stronger person. We will never be defeated.

I’m just not a good person. I’m not a good sister, a good daughter, a good classmate, a good friend…..and more. I’m not good, I’m not prefect. But I will try my very best to be who you want me to. I want to be a good person. I want to be cared. I’m working towards it. Hope that you are better than me. =)

DRP time

2010-09-27T13:26:00.003+08:00

Hey hey...
slacking now. =)
Actually being dumb and innocent is not a bad thing.
Now, I want to be that too. =)
I guess I need some young minds.

Sometimes, I like dreaming. As in sleep and dream.
That was the only time, I'm cared. It felt peaceful, safe and loved.
No busy life, no scary monster(jk jk!), no harsh reality to face. I'd love to sleep forever, living in a place I imagined. Nobody there can blame me for anything, nobody can force me to do whatever I hated. But the only bad thing is, you're not there.

Holiday time is everyone busy? Looks like everyone is working part time.
I'm I living in my own world again? Don't know what's going on?
Why like that? T.T
I don't know how to comfort myself anymore, other than think in a childish way.
Being an adult is difficult, isn't it?

Back. ...back ....back.....back to square one.
Restart game. Are my efforts gone to waste. =C
That's bad!
I must push myself some more, cannot lose.
Fighting, LY!

4ooth post - result's out!!!!

2010-09-24T12:58:00.002+08:00

Wow...finally the 400th post.
Bad news. I didn't get good GPA.
My 60% gone. Even if I score well for the 40%, it didn't help.
What had I been doing really?

Time passed so fast. Haiz...now sad also no use.
I really fight for the 40%. But why is it just 40%?

How?
What should I do now?
See poeple's result so good, mine so bad. 2.96 GPA.
Didn't even get 3.
Haiz, what can I do?
NOTHING.
Other than study extra hard next semester.
=(

JY LY!

1 more to 400

2010-09-17T09:36:00.002+08:00

This is 399th post. 4 year old blog.

Ever since Judo came into my life, I...erm become tougher?
I've never fight as in physically with anyone before. It's really a very new experience and very physics sport. You really need to focus a lot. Or else you cannot do the throws properly, either you hurt yourself or you hurt others. I really learn how to 100% focus and I like it when I can forget everything else in the world, just me, my partner and JUDO! =D

It's very different compared to playing a instrument. Playing it needs concentration, but you'll need feelings because every song has a story behind it. You cannot just play without thinking about the settings and people involved, in your mind. Sports and music don't really mix, right?

In judo, it's the "just do it" spirit. Either you get thrown or you throw your partner. Focus and focus. Once out of focus, "bang" get thrown.

Yesterday, got step on my foot 3 times, hit my lips, someone kick my head(LOL!), hit head to head with a guy(dam embarrassing)(his gi dam stiff), get thrown by black belt, learnt alot from seniors(this part I like the most!). I know I'm not the kind of sports person. can "monkey see, monkey do". I'm more towards music. Just give me the score I can play. Really really, learn a lot of techniques, like breaking balance more efficiently, turn towards the opponent, kicking and pulling. I feel so dumb for laughing at my own mistake. See other people so focus and concentrating, I tell myself to try and try, I tell myself don't smile hor, focus!!! Yesterday, I see myself improving. And I'm glad I did it. But can be better.

Judo less and less girls. Don't know because they didn't come or because they quit. If they quit then I don't have partner. =( Sad.

Life is so much better with Judo. Don't understand why people quit.
Even if I get hurt, I take it as a lesson, so that I don't do it the next time.
Every fight is a new lesson, you'll learn new things from different people.
All the judo juniors and seniors are very supportive and very bonded.
I believe we can make a name for ourself.

"Believe in yourself"-key to success.

Anyone joining Judo? =)

Headline-Girl killing hormones killed herself

2010-09-14T11:23:00.004+08:00

Being a science student, you can explain a lot of things using science language. Example-When you got knocked down by a car, it’ll cause hemorrhage. Then platelet- plug formation…etc.

If I say love is more of a sign language than science language, most agree right? But I think love is all about science. All feelings are caused by the presence of hormone in our body. If you like someone, hormone are the ones who identifies “the right one” for you. When you see that particular person, you’re heart pounded profusely; you’ll feel nervous, making you feel like fainting, etc. All these are caused by hormone. Somehow, whenever it comes to love, hormones are the ones, instead of the brain comes to decision making, the heart becomes the secretary who do as she’s told, and the brain becomes the customer, who is seeking service. The boss tells secretary to pump faster and stimulates the senses which are controlled by the customer to become more interested to their product they sell. The product is the targeted person-“the right one”.

The ears hears only positive information of the product when if the reviews and comments are bad. The customer will interpret it as- people are just jealous.

The eyes will see the product as perfect.

The customer will receive all the information and interpret it in the way it thinks is the best. The customer slowly will receive only all the good information and reject all the bad information regarding the product.

Just like when you like someone, even if he is at his worst behavior or outfit, you’ll still think he’s cute, he’s cool. When people say bad things about him-“You’re just jealous” Whenever he’s near, you’ll look forward to hear his voice. Whenever he complains about something, you’ll hope to help him solve his problem, you’ll want to stand on his side, no matter whether his wrong or right.

Hormones are the mastermind. When everything’s screwed, the customer started blaming the product for not working the way they want. The product becomes the scapegoat of hormones. No one with a normal mind will blame hormones.

I’m not being normal. Here I am complaining about my hormones. I blame them for making my heart work so hard, in the end, it just gets very tired. I blame them for making my brain making weird, silly, impossible, ridiculous, insane and stupid interpretations and conclusion. Blame them for launching my mind to space when I’m supposed to be studying. Blame them for the brain damage.

Like a broken TV, images of you pop out of no where every time and then, even when I’m asleep. Everything I do remind of you. It seem like you’ve conquered my brain, even though you just live inside the smallest corner of my heart. So illogical! Yet, when it comes to love, it is often unexplainable. People say love is selfish, unconditioned; I say it’s unfair and stupid, cause I have my brain damaged because of love.

I hate hormones for making me love, and I hate it because I have no control over it. So unfair! But nothing in this world is fair.

I feel so doubtful, and simply can’t understand how feeling works. I don’t like feelings because happiness level=15% and sadness=85% is how my heart is every single day I’m living in this world. And I’m 100% sure hormones caused this. Unhappy thoughts caused this. I, hate feelings and feeling causing hormone.

I'm stupid, I'm silly, I'm finding accuses for not blaming myself and blaming you.
Pull the trigger and kill my stupid brain.
Have my hypothalamus and pituitary gland removed. I don't want hormones anymore.

2010-09-11T16:47:00.002+08:00

Today is sep 11.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Wei Cheng! =D
Although I know u may not see this but , at least this shows I remember your birthday!
=)

One more paper, maths. Holiday.
Lucky I have DRP, my holiday won't be boring.
Hope it'll be fun. Looking forward to it! =D

No mood to do maths.
Must buck up. Or else I fail my maths DIE!

2010-09-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

Opps...eyes too dry contact lens drop off.
喜欢一个人，不一定要拥有，不是吗？
为设么明明可以不去想的，可是偏偏你却常常出现在我脑海里？

DRP, selected. =D Happy of course!
Hope that it'll be fun! =)

Sleep soon.
tmr continue.
bb
good night! =)
Zzz....

PIPC over.

2010-09-06T18:16:00.002+08:00

After completing 7 PIPC exam papers, the 8th and the last one today, I've done it like a robot. No sense of accomplishment. When I reach home, first time comes to my mind. The first thing to throw away- PIPC text book. Oh no. This is not a good idea. I didn't do that of course.

HAP, I haven't finish studying.

I think I need to burn mid night oil.

Maybe falling sick soon.
See my panda eyes. You know why.
I overslept, nearly late. Blame me.

Exams coming

2010-09-05T21:18:00.002+08:00

Headache go away.
The sad sad feeling is back.
Maybe that causes the insomnia.
I told myself not to cry.
In the end I still do.
How can I be so not disobedient?

PIPC exam tomorrow.
Mix feeling.

Still got the sad sad feeling.
How to get rid of it?

Me pouring out nonsence AGAIN...

2010-09-02T19:48:00.006+08:00

When you find something new and strange appeared in your room, what would you think? It may be some T-shirts, and other stuff.

I feel->OMG! How to squeeze into my drawer?
My mum, always like to buy things, cloths, which is not my taste. Maybe a few piece. And the most important point behind all these-THIS IS HER WAY OF SHOWING CONCERN.
Maybe she feels that she has not been a very good mum and did that to compensate the love she didn't give us.
I understand that her work is very important and has been her priority since I'm 4 years old? I remember I cried every single night for mum to fetch me home from child care. It's EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I'm in the child care for one month's stay. HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE! I can't imagine being separated for one month from my love ones. I don't know whether is it because of this, I always felt not cared. One thing I'm afraid of until now- the more I care, the more I get hurt. Just something that I did it wrongly, and I'm stupid to believe that. Who says I may get HURT? I'm the one who is getting all the wrong information keyed into my empty head. I don't know why since young, I thought that in this world, everything is PERFECT. Nothing go against my will, everything I need, I have it. Seems like a paradise. The older I get, the more imperfect things become. Is it because I'm more and more demanding, more and more greedy, more and more blind because I didn't bother to care how you feel, more and more selfish, more and more not me because I get influence??? I've always always want to be young once again. I want to erase all the bad and painful and stupid memories and rewrite "Li Ying's childhood memories". If you were in my shoe, who wouldn't have done all the stupid things; the most silly things which no one who has brain will ever do. I just don't understand myself enough. I don't know why do I always keep things to myself till I kept feeling so down, think so little of myself. I don't understand how the hell I went through all the torturous years. Whenever I look back, I just wish I can restart my life. It's so horrible till I can't find a single memorable day which I can remember. How I wish I never grow up. Being an adult is hard and tiring. Still, I'm alive. Well, I can't deny the fact of having more freedom is the best thing of being an adult. The fact is, I feel the opposite most of the time.
"Mum, I'm coming home late."
"Oh...."
and sometimes no reply. I don't know how should I feel. Putting myself in her shoe, but I still can't find an excuse. "Maybe she's busy""Maybe she's eating, so her mouth is full and she can't reply" "Maybe she's sleeping because she's too tired." but if I were her, no matter what happens, I will look at her and say something. Even a word "Bye" is enough. Even a smile is enough. Yup, since primary school, I promise myself and I've make it a habit to smile to the person calling me or talking to me. I remember once, during pri school tuition, Ms Chua called me to answer a question and she gave a comment saying that I smiled to her and it's sweet. It warms my heart and I'm touched. If you saw me not smiling, that means I'm too tired, I didn't saw you, I'm insane, I'm not on Earth, or simply, I think my heart don't like you(this seems impossible). Sometimes I smile not because I'm happy, it's because I'm too tired and I need a lot of strength to carry on. I NEED to smile; not because I want too. Don't mistook my smile.
Sorry. Am I very emotional? I hope not. The fact that I can't control my own feelings makes me a crazy , mentally unstable person. Someday I can laugh like nobody's business when nothings funny, other days I cry when nothing is wrong. I wish I have no feelings and I could kill all the hormones in my body. I can never do so, and I know I won't do it. The reason I found is-It's because there's too many unhappy things happening which makes my mental. I haven't get to know how real happiness feels like, and I know it the day will arrive soon. So, STOP THINKING unhappy stuff!

It's because I'm too lonely in the past, I have develop a habit of observing people around me. Trust me. I didn't stalk anyone of you. I just remember almost everything the person I came to know about. Well, most likely, I do know about you but I don't know your name. That's all. My brain wants to remember it, no matter how short term it's memory is. I can't help it. This shows how useless my brain is. Only remember what people like, dislike; what's their opinion of one particular thing; what kind of tone and mood to use when talking to that person. This, is how my brain works. If you like my brain, can I exchange with you? I don't think you want such a stupid weird brain. I want a smart brain, not a brain like this. I know I only know how to complain and complain(which my sister said so) I'm dumb because I haven't really done anything to change these situation. But,I can see a big change in me in socializing, communicating, and joking with friends. And most importantly, I finally get to pour out things kept within my heart which are already getting moldy. A big progress and a first huge step for me, who is the kind of timid and useless person; and you can laugh at me telling me that these are the things you've already done in your first year of primary school. Yes, I really don't understand myself. I know I've done a lot to make people notice me. And in front of them, I'm still invisible. I have a foolish thought- even one day I'm not there, they wouldn't know who's absent.

The first week of poly, I thought these were going to be the same, "Li Ying" will still be the least called name in class. I'm so so so surprised and touched when people can remember my name and talk to me. You can laugh and say, woa, like that only, the class only have 24 people, of course it's easier to remember your name what. Look, I have a dumb brain and stupid weird feelings. I can't blame you for saying that.

If you really mean what you say, I can feel it. I know this is not something amazing. I can appear in front of you if you need me. And I'm not kidding.

This is not the longest post. Don't be shock.
If you think you understand how I'm feeling now, I'm sorry, I don't know how I'm feeling. I can't feel anything now. Indifferent. If you know how to control my dumb brain from focusing on observing people to focusing on homework; and to control my feelings to feel happy and be satisfied with everything I have now, TELL ME! My heart is already scotch taped, stapled, nailed, supper glued, tied, mended, screwed, sew, pieced together. It will not fall apart, be damaged again and it's stronger than ever, ....for now.
And I don't know what's wrong with my brain. Is it shrinking?

I can never understand myself.
I can never understand how I'm feeling.
I can never understand what I'm thinking.

Please, promise me not to cry alone. Don't be sad. Don't listen to sad songs. If you want me, take it. Don't cry...

Happy day

2010-08-25T22:08:00.002+08:00

Sitting near the coast...watching the waves.
Yesterday, east coast park. Me.
I want to go again.
Face the sea, and feel the breeze.
I'm on my bike, roaming around.

Trying to find back your smile.

Went Damai today.
My class went to see Ms Hariyani.
Saw other teachers too.
Ow...miss them so much, especially Mrs Lee and Ms Hasan.
And I miss my Gu Zheng.
We played "10 cent coin", "no.7" and "Handy plus"
Left early.Miss the movie-"Step up" =( I never watch movie with my class before.

Today is a busy day.
Went home to have lunch, went HG again.
Study with Carmen, bmlc.

Dam tired...woke up 6am, what time should I sleep?

Tomorrow a busy day too. 10 at library, lunch, then back to library, then lecture! Hooray! I think I'm going to die tomorrow.=X

I'm just tired. Very tired.
Here is a song I love last year.
My class blog song too!

EnJoy! =D

My grandparents came to Singapore!
Feel so bless!
They really care about us, not like our parents.
Even though some times they nag and I can't really understand what my grandma says, I can feel they really care. I just smile and nod in agreement. =)At least they care.

My sis often say I'm weird. Because I always complain about our parents. The love they give is so different from Ah gong Ah mama, I can't feel it.

kk, ppl need to sleep now.
bb
Good night, rest well! =)

Asher Book-Try

2010-08-25T08:30:00.012+08:00

Found this song in "my music"
No idea how it went there.
But after listening to it, I'm in love with this song.
=)

10 more post to 400!!!

2010-08-23T16:39:00.002+08:00

Oral ended...feel so down. I didn't do as well as last year. Forget it. Do well for paper1 and paper2.

Arrive at around 1.20pm. Met this guy. Lucky he came early. I don't want to be alone. We check the white board for names and group. Different group. Mine-F111 He talk to me first. I thought I'll be first one to talk.
Reporting place at library. Only 2 of us. awkward. Chat a bit. He got B3 for EL! Why retake??
Later, 2 girls came. Talk to them. One from ITE, one form NYP.
Many came...
After we all wait in a classroom. Dead silence. I didn't talk.

The sky is dark grey in colour now.

Tmr, studying with Carmen. Have to look through biomole first...

O lvl oral>>stress...

2010-08-23T11:38:00.002+08:00

Few more hours to stupid oral exam.
The fear for exam is still there...
I wonder will I tremble while talking again.
Hope that it's not air conditioned.

Just pray that I won't fail this time...
Stupid o lvl EL. Ruin my life. Waste my money.

Next thursday going back Damai. But I can't find my uniform the skirt. Nvr mind la, wear home clothes better. I still don't understand y u all want to wear uniform.

At home study very sian. Really. Subjects that must use extreme method one. HAP and Biomole. I don't know how to study for the two other than to memorize everything. The section C is worth 40 marks...i think. Must memorize everything ... I think will vomit...like what Mr Lloyd said. =D

OMG! U read my blog???? =X

Opps...

2010-08-18T21:04:00.003+08:00

Did I just did something bad? On no...
Went for Judo chalet this Monday.
I miss the sting ray. Now, I can only hope that class chalet have sting ray and I will hope to bbq them too! Haha! =)
At first thought cannot stay over. Dam happy when my sister said can. =)
Although it's just opposite old changi hospital, it's not that scary. Perhaps there's a lot of people, making the mood right. =)
I wanted to try the "drink". But scared later my heart cannot take it. Next time..nxt year maybe...at least it's legal ... =P You're DRUNK! lols! Face red as tomato.
Air-con freezing cool. When I woke up from the 1 h sleep, I kept shivering. NON-STOP! Hell...
No need to guess what will happen. Yeap...FLU! Logical.
Went home and slept for 2 hours. And I thought of having Mac. So unhealthy! Ate it...ignoring the fact. Sure will be come fatter. Fat me! Ah...dun want.
Study HAP today. In the end, I spent 3hrs memorizing three kinds of regulation. -.-'' I think I can't memorize everything cos not enough time! DIE!!!
Now...Exam phobia.
Scared I will not do well.
Scared I will go crazy the next term.
Study hard, but I'm not ones who can sit for hours to study.
I don't think I can survive the exam.
2Hours of sitting...
Not worse than maths (2.5h) but still, it's like every subj!

Weird class converstion lols!
bye and good night!
=)
Sweet dreams! =)

2010-08-11T13:22:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, first time wore contact lense. Quite comfortable.

In the same 69 bus with Mr Chong today. Didn't notice until he walks in front of me after getting off the bus. He smiled to me. He sought of reminds me of Mr Ho...

Morning OC lecture...only about half of the LT is filled.

Feel like sleeping now. Later going bmlc revision lecture. =)

Later come home and update!

National day

2010-08-09T20:50:00.004+08:00

Hihi!
Bad guy ending...suck. I don't want him to die! =( But the way they put it is really very unexpected.
Anyway, life has to go on...

Start of study break, today it's National day! Happy 45th Birthday!
Plan out the time table and stuff, done some OC1 questions.

Wednesday have revision lectures. JY!

Duno what to write... update next time.

Song i Like

2010-08-04T19:39:00.004+08:00

Song recommended by Guo Wei. =) Really nice!

Today got APEL. Ended one hour late.
PIPC, erm...lucky I studied very hard for it. Quite manageable.

I've got a lot to say to you...
I guess it doesn't help pouring everything out here.

Shall write in my diary later. =P

I'm like quite at school, at home I wrote things to express my thoughts. Weird me...
=)

Shall do bmlc tutorial. bb See ya tmr.

Few words...

2010-08-04T07:45:00.002+08:00

Dreaming...of bad guy.
The main lead.
We run cause we're being chased. -.- Strange dream. Consequence of watching too much drama.

Returning to school. Haven't eat my breakfast.

PIPC test. Study really hard. If I don't score high for this one, I may fail overall. I MUST SCORE!!! Haha. Good luck to you! ....and to me. =)

If today don't have apel, can go home early....after the PIPC quiz.

Feel like going to ECP. Want to play with the waves and watch sunset. It'll feel great! =)
Care to come along? Not today thought.

Going to school soon...take care!
=)

Westlife-How to break a heart

2010-07-20T07:56:00.001+08:00

I love this song mainly because of the "heart...heart...heart...heart" part. Listen, maybe you'll love this song too. =)

2010-07-16T17:00:00.002+08:00

Ha! Weekend's here! I can finally rest. My phones back from china! Haha!
Today biomole test , got one weird question. I randomly picked one. C. What is your answer?
Mom is nagging not to me but I feel so annoyed by her angry voice. Complian and complain she won't talk with a nice smoothing voice. sign. Now no sound leh. Peace.

Next week HAP and Math test. Good luck to everyone who's taking them and to myself too.
Watching drama I've missed last week and this week's too.

I've been think about my life. Is it what I want it to be or I'm just getting on with life with no life. sign. Busy busy busy all the time. Find any joy busying? Not really. But I like my Judo CCA. That is part of my life, the joyful one. Others, in the not so joyful category.

When you see someone you like, you will 'pop' 'pop' very fast. But why I don't have? For very long time dun have. lol! Why suddenly talk about this.

Cook food and bring to school for lunch. Very cool experience. Because the food I cook nice what. Sorry for praising myself. Hehe...!

Tudou load so slow! I can't stand it! Argh!
Wait and write at the same time...
Hmm...what to say? Guys hands are big. Which is a fact I don't need to say so. Then why should I type that. From experience...lols.

Actually study is not as difficult as I thought. Just need so time to memorize all the things taught.
But the fact is my time is very little. 6pm go home. 7-8 dinner. 8-11.30 study. 3hours not enough. Not including the time spent during breaks.

Vivo city (3rd time)

2010-07-04T13:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, went to vivocity. Main purpose, is to shop at Daiso- 2 dollar shop. My sis and I bought quite alot of stuff. We went shopping and took a few pictures in dressing room. Uploading to facebook late in the day.

Very fun day indeed. I total forgotten about homework, and I don't want to care about them either. Today is a hell day which I need to do all the homework I need to finish for TWO days. I need to burn mid-night oil today.

Classical music is so nice...! Makes me think of ball, of paris, of dance, of romance...=)

Vivo is really a very nice, very cool, very shopping mood place! =)
Will go there again. Haven't sick of it! Watch movie there next time!

Wednesday

2010-06-30T07:47:00.002+08:00

Yesterday night felt so insecure.
Felt the stress maybe.
I'm living not because I like it, it's because my parents need me, and I'm not selfish.
I wonder if I've changed. I feel so not myself. Where's the happy me? I lost it somewhere. Or am I having mood swing? If that's so, that sucks. Hormones again? I wonder what if I'm a guy. Maybe life wouldn't be that bad right?
Poly days are getting more and more stressful. So many things to study and I feel so lost.
Tomorrow got CCA.

update later.

Bad bad feeling

2010-06-26T15:27:00.002+08:00

I like weekdays than week ends because I do not need to face my parents for many hours. Every time will fight. Tried my best to control the ball of fire to not grow bigger, but they really add a lot of oil to the fire, they really cannot see that I'm very up sad. They really don't look at me. They scold when doing things. I just explode. Shout? Scream maybe. I'm bad. The fire in me has been put off by my tears. Sad. I don't know weekends to me is grief days. I want to go home. Somewhere I can get loved.

I always told myself, you are loved. A lot of people love you and cared for you. Did I cheat myself? This way, I won't get depress, I won't think of ending all this. I would just smile and drag my feet to spent everyday how I wanted it to be. I don't know what is stressing me up that I find so difficult to breath. Homework? Parent's pressure? Money? Region? Time? Entertainment? Food?

Sis came home when the hatred look. When an expression asking "why are you using the computer?" I feel so small. So sour inside. Sian. Love, seemed so far, yet so near.

I want to so to school and see nothing like that. The icy cold expression. The bad mouth. I think people in school will think that I'm crazy. I am crazy. I'm stress out. School and home. Sleep is the best but I kept having night mare. Is something bad going to happen? I think so. Maybe I'll meet some bad gangster and got killed. Maybe I get knock down my the LT door. Maybe I'll break my leg when I walk. Maybe I got cancer the last stage. Maybe I'll gonna get strike my lightning What is the something bad going to happen?

Something bad? Will I die? Hope not.

Ordinary day-wk10

2010-06-22T21:58:00.003+08:00

The CDS- Jap, free hand drawing, music, psycology, creative writing
Still not very convice with my choices.
Today lab very slack. I didn't do much, just walk around and see others doing thier experiment.
I don't like the smell.
I saw PIPC tut-cher today at ITAS. I saw him at bustop yesterday. Saw him during lessons for both days too. =)

Nothing much to update on. Except that I complete my CSAS work and still perparing for biomole presentation. Hope that tomorrow's lecture will not be boring. I really don't want to sleep when teacher is talking.

Best wish, good luck to me tmr!
Sleep now....
Zzzzz =)

New skin+Drama

2010-06-11T19:21:00.005+08:00

See the new blog skin? Those flower pictures I edit myself. I love it very much! It's beautiful. =)

Judo camp was boring but the training is fun.
I saw my p4 classmate. "The world is small!"
So unexpected! So impossible(don't know why). Haha! =D

We learn backward throw. I forget to pull the sleeve downn. -.-
I forget to break fall 1 time. Hit my head PAIN! Lucky I remember to break fall for others. =)

Watching 2 drama. '泡沫之夏' and 'Bad guy'

Bad guy latest episode is 5 and bmzx is 2.
I want to watch ep6 now! =( must wait until next week.
He's going to kiss with 2 girls. Opps! =) The 2 girls on the poster. I wonder who he really like. The girl on top? Hope so.

Haven't start doing learning journal yet. I don't know how to start. It's a really weird assignment. -.-

I need to save, seriously...

2010-05-27T22:16:00.002+08:00

Subject Code Date Start End Venue Seat Number
Principles of Inorgani ACH1005 31 May 2010 (Mon) 09:00 10:00 IT07-01-39 (LT14) 64
Communication Skill ACS1001 31 May 2010 (Mon) 14:00 16:00 IT07-03-07 (LT8) 6
Human Anatomy an AMB1002 01 Jun 2010 (Tue) 09:00 10:00 IT07-03-08 (LT7) 69
Mathematics and St AMA1003 02 Jun 2010 (Wed) 09:00 10:00 IT07-01-40 (LT16) 71
Organic Chemistry 1 ACH1003 03 Jun 2010 (Thu) 09:00 10:00 IT05-05-14 to 17 5
Biomolecules ABT1002 04 Jun 2010 (Fri) 09:00 10:00 IT07-03-10 (LT6) 9

So fast term test...
Yesterday very sick. Today better.
Went Safra with classmates. The bowling part is fun.
After that wait for sis. She very nice, treat me food. Her bag was dam heavy!!! Haha.
She attends a talk in A.something independent school and we talk about bt? Short term memory is killing me!!!

We reach home before 9pm. =)
Mum looks sad, don't know y. Her eyes red red. I want to ask, but I rmb my sister said it will hurt her pride. So I don't know how. Being concern for your mum cannot meh? She's the closest person to me.

I'm returning to my old self. I totally shut my mouth today. Shit! Why? I like no mood to talk. Is it because I'm partially sick or I'm just being my own self? Hate it!
I'm good at listen, not at talking. I can't talk. Why? idk leh. No topic? I guess. Really no topic leh. Everytime I say one thing people like straight away change topic. I guess listen is the best. I love my ears!!! =)

2010-05-21T19:39:00.002+08:00

I fell down.
Lucky I wore jeans. Now I've got 1 scratch on my knee. -.-
Pain! No blood, so should heal soon.
Why I so careless? Clumsy...
Lucky I didn't hurt my hand. Only red red, no blood. Lucky^^

I want birthday. =(
So unlucky these days.

My eyes...ouch...blink blink! =0

Wave my magic wand ******twinkling*****
My dear, u can go to the ball now.
Yes, please do. =)
Please can back before 12am.
.....

I suddenly become fairy god mother. =.=
Wow...a new job. So gad. Hope something good will happen!
If they stead, I shook sia! LOL! =P

Good luck! =D ... ... ...

Miss those stars...
"twinkle twinkle little star..."

I miss those stars.
"No matter how many tears you've dried, he won't know."
Weired...what is he suppose to know? Sad=sad. Got meaning meh?

It's not easy to love.So many ppl in this world and 1 special. Does this make sense?
No~~~~~~~!!!!!!

=)
ZZZZZZzzzzz...

2010-05-21T08:02:00.001+08:00

I can cry if I want to.
But crying doesn't help in anyway to solve a problem.
Running away from the problem sounds good. But what is my problem???
Tell me. I really can't figure out.

2010-05-18T07:51:00.002+08:00

Revising biomole
I found that actually it is not as complicated as I thought.
A lot of things I already understand. And now it's time to remember them.

I must save for a lot of things :
eyes - 60
hp - 8
food - 5
Total- 73

every month card - 5(excluded)

1 wk save 6 save for 13 weeks.
13 weeks is 3 months. Wow! So long...

change to 8 then.
8 one wk, 10 wks
10 wks is 2.5 months. Acceptable.
Plus work will be faster.

JY!

Judo

2010-05-13T23:43:00.002+08:00

A lot of guys and girls too.
I love the throw. =)
See guys wearing the gi makes them look stronger.
$86 for the gi.
Very little hot guys. But the demo, impact is large...
Some guys very shy. They didn't take off the cloths inside. haha...!
Hope there'll be a chance to throw a guy. I wonder if I can lift him up.

Very fun, very tiring.
No mood to study HAP.
I think I better read something.
Cannot relie on secondary school knowledge.
Btw, I only get an A2. -.-
I wanted A1 cos the paper dam easy.
Sad lah.

Going 12. Must sleep le.
gd night! Sweet dreams! =)

A grey day

2010-05-12T22:56:00.002+08:00

I fking lost my wallet and tmr I must find it back.
I don't want to walk all the way home.
It's 5 bustops mind you! No joke.
I'm penniless, can't take bus, and the wallet is so dam precious!
"How could this happen to me?"... Simple Plan

Hot guys= 0
Cute guys= alot.
Without gf= idk

I saw a V neck shirt. But he's wearing another shirt inside. So disappointed. Sounds sick.

seeing the person u like - no heart druming;
walking near the person u like- no heart pumping ;
Reading his mind through his eyes;
feeling every air out from his breath;
the way he stands so close to you...
No heart druming nor pumping,...
...you're now in heaven.

~written by LiYing

Ice cream, I want ice cream! =)
Still craving for cheese though.
And milk too! =D

Today like body with no soul. I'm dragging myself to school.
I see you see me, but that wasn't me.
I left my soul at home; in my MP3.
I'm so floating right now.
I'm with my music. My soul's back.

Miss you!
SMILES! =)

CCN day!!!

2010-05-07T21:09:00.002+08:00

Selling flowers!!!
I've been in the tutorial room, cutting the roses, remove leaves and torns, wrap the aluminium foil, tie ribbon, etc. First time in my life have I seen so much roses and I practically touch everyone of them! Girls see roses, the feeling is like sweet. When I see them, I'm like happy? Well, I'm glad that I can sought of interact with all the flowers. Too bad I don't have their photos.

I thing I must say, very important.
I want to thank the VIP behind our event. Our care person, Mr Chang.
He bought a lot of food and drinks for us and stayed with us till the end.
He's nice and sweet! Incredible. He is more then what I think he is. I remember he said this,"I'm not ur second Papa..." but the feeling is like mixture of papa and mama. Mr Chang, you are like our second parent today! =) Thankyou so so so so much! Thank you!!!! =D

I want to say to all my classmates-Our hard work has paid off!!! =)
Everyone had worked hard, especially those who went out to sell the flowers. The weather is so hot! Thank you my friends, you all make my day! =) All of you are sweeter than all the flowers! Love you all!

One thing I love about my current life is, everyone I know remembered my name!
When my classmates called me, I'm like OMG!!! you remembered my name! The most shocking one is Mr Chang remembered my name!!!! It's so amazing to have so many people remembering your name. Life rocks! Haha!

Last time only a handful of people call me using my name, or they don't talk to me.
Now the feeling is so different. I treasure the time spent with my class now, more than ever.

Today is the day that I feel like smiling more.
My hands has flower scent. Now no more. But I'll never forget it. =)
Tonight will be a good night. I think I'll be smiling throughout the night.
This special day, priceless. My heart is smiling. =D
Sweet dreams! Good night!
Smile on forever... =D

Dreams...aGaIn

2010-05-05T07:17:00.005+08:00

Argh...I dreamt that I faint, AGAIN! Guess who is beside me? TCher! OMG?
That dream makes me think alot.
I miss you cher. Really, to the extent that I'm so sad that "that thing" slip down.
Reason for not mentioning that thing is I'm too sensitive to it.
I'm going crazy at this rate. Ah!!!
I don't know how to face you.
A bet I'll start ='( again.
Ah...!!!! I hate feelings! I hate hormones. And it rolls down again.

I miss my grandpa too. He's coming to Singapore soon.
I hope he's here now. I want him to help me.

Don't cry too much, later your eyes red red.
Go to school very Pai Seh leh.
OK, I shld control.

Today school ends at 4pm.
Which is good. Finally got 1 day can go home early.
One lesson cancelled.

Why am I being so weird these days?
I always like to think back to the old days.
Secondary school is a night mare over for me.
Primary school is like a non-verbal boring show.

Mix feeling. Want and fear.
What is this?
Ah...I hate crushes. Especially last year. Ex-crush? ExExEx-crush? When it this going to stop?
Why crushes? I hate hormones! I hate crushes. I hate feelings.
How cool will it be if this world contains only happiness and not other feelings.
Can't I like myself and get over with all this crush thing.
I think I think too much. Yeh...I think too much.
I hate it when the feeling got so strong, ...it doesn't feel like crush. It feels like one-sided love? I don't know. I'm so weird! Won't I just get over this stupid feelings thing? So mad!

I think one of the reasons for me to die fast is that I can't control my feelings, and then, sorrow to death. It sounds funny, doesn't it?

OMG! I'm going to be late for school!
STOP HERE.
Sry cher, I'll wait for it to fade.
Then it's time I need to see your face.
I MISS YOU BADLY!!!
='(